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01 July, 2006 - 1:38 a.m.
turnabout is fair play, the karmic wheel keeps spinning

as discussed with several of you in person, i wanted to write about some stuff that i've been putting together in my head a while lately... mostly the past week. you get what you put into life, and i've been spending a hell of a lot of time in introspection, putting pieces of my puzzle together, figuring some stuff out which has been in disarray for quite a while.

i've been in a deeper period of depression for about two months or so. i've been working hard at coming out of it, trying to do things that i would recommend to clients, really working on insight and acceptance inward. i feel better this week than i've felt in years. years, people. depression has been a part of my life since my first diagnosis around age 9. i work on it here, i work on it there, but really i keep going back and i never have seen to hit a spot of wholeness. until lately. i think the work is paying off, and i'm not going to stop doing the things that i've been doing...

[the basic rules: if it worked once, do it again. if it doesn't work, don't do it again. do something different.]

i actually have that taped to my desk at work, by the way. (thank you, solution-focused brief therapy.) let me tell you something of the peace that i have come to experience. i feel. happy. sure, days have ups and downs and dull moments, but i'm not waking up in dread. i'm not crying for no reason. i'm not feeling stress and the weight of my life following me around. i feel good about myself and what i'm doing and how things are.

it's about fucking time. and i wanted to share it with you, too. i try not to bring my troubles into the realm beyond text. i know you guys are my friends and i know that you would listen (in most cases), but i really do feel guilty when i share my troubles and problems with you in real life. i'd rather blog and hope you don't read it or that it won't bring you down or that you'll chalk it up to a moment of melancholy rather than my constant state of being. i try hard to be positive and to frame things in a good light when i am able, even here when i talk about the things in life that bother me. i try to say it with a sense of humor so i'll get over it faster.

[humor is the number one coping skill.]

sometimes it works. a little. i've been wrestling with my demons and i have managed to tackle some major ones lately, but i've only written partially about them. i don't want to bring anyone else down. but i would like to share with you my joy, the happiness i am experiencing as a result of my struggles. trust me, i'd rather sit here alone in my room (as i have done a lot of in these past few months) tearing myself apart and occasionally writing one percent of what's going on with me than to create distress for others.

[life is suffering. the key to happiness is to suppress desire through enlightenment.]

the statement may not make sense to most of you. actually, i think one of you may get it (court.), but if more of you do, then cool. and what i have to write is pretty deep to me on a spiritual level.

i have been utterly selfish on a spiritual level, as i will explain.

a lesson i often bring to counseling... i think with every client i see... is the trinity of Choice, Control, and Responsibility. I hold those three things to be absolute truths. and you know how i feel about absolutes.

[Control: the only person you can control is yourself.]

Others may influence you, but you have to decide that you will give in to their influence. "No one can make you pee on my couch," is how i say it to clients, because they will remember it, and because it really is difficult to force someone to pee. Other than medical problems, having had too much to drink, etc., there's no way to force someone to urinate unless they decide to relax and let loose. If in fact no one can force you to pee against your will, every action in your life is in your control. You control every word, every deed, every action, every inaction. All yours to control.

[Responsibility: because you can only control yourself, the only person you are responsible for is yourself.]

You may try to influence others, but they must decide to give in to your influence. You can try to make someone happy, you can try to make them feel better, you can try to help them. But if they don't want help (and trust me, i work with court-ordered clients, too.), help will not be received no matter how much you give. I am not responsible for the decisions of others. I am responsible only for the decisions that I have made, as they are the only ones that I can control. I can't begin to tell you how this realization, taking this really to heart has changed my life.

I do not feel responsible for my mother's happiness and stability any more. I am not able to control whether or not she makes good decisions for herself or for my sister. I do not have the power to force her to behave like a responsible adult. I realize in a deeply spiritual sense that to attempt to control and be responsible for this (this weight i've carried with my my entire fucking life) is merely greed, desire on my part. I say this. I own this. The reason why it is greedy of me is because, as altruistic as I can possibly be at times, the desired effect is for ME to feel better. Yes, she and my sister might have better lives if I was in control and responsible for them, but it is MY distress that I am (and have been) trying to cure. My distress at their distress. As altruistic as helping someone can be, the end point is relief for me. I have been greedy and I am done being greedy and I am letting it go. I am not in control of them. I am in control of me. I am responsible for me. Time to do something different.

[Choice: given your lack of control over others, given your responsibility to yourself, you must make choices. Actions and Inactions are choices.]

I am in a state of acceptance regarding my powerlessness over others. Therefore, my choices have to be ones which will benefit the only person of whom i am in control. The idea is that now I must decide how i will allow others to influence me. If my mother causes me distress, it is because I allow her to. By choosing to not have her in my life any more, to contribute to chaos, to drag me down, I am therefore deciding that I am worth my suffering. It is ok to suffer if you eventually learn from it.

i am letting go of my desire to feel better about the situation with my mother. i am letting go of my desire to control and change and take from them their suffering. i am letting go of my greed. i have no choice but to allow them to follow their paths and learn through suffering themselves. to continue to fix things, to smooth things over, to attempt to control them is to rob them of the chance for insight. and is greedy.

i accept this and i am at peace.

i have never been at peace before. i find that i still cry, but it is with relief. it is with joy. it is for the weight i have lost. it is for my suddenly restful nights. it is for the utter thankfulness that i have for what i have learned. i have energy again. i feel like smiling. i am entertained even when alone. and i wanted to share that with you. i feel whole and it's a strange feeling, but i like it. i didn't even have to join scientology. lol.

i feel so very zen this week. my mind is clear. i am making good choices.

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