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09 July, 2006 - 8:10 p.m.
the current worry

my kitty is sick and in the hospital. he's been there since thursday. i am hoping he might come home tomorrow. this is costing me about $600. but it's ok, because i'm very attached to my cat. i bottle-fed him and he used to sleep on my chest because when i got him, he was sick and his little ears were stopped up, so i would put him on my chest so he could at least feel my heart beat.

apparently, something they put in cat food (specifically in indoor-cat formula) creates crystals in his bladder, which made his little peepee clog up. i wish i could have known he was sick sooner, known that the reason why he was licking his crotch all the time was because he was sick, not because he was a little perv, which is what i thought. i don't know. i didn't grow up with cats, and mine have never been sick since i got them. so for a couple months, he was obsessed with his penis and i found it irritating. if i would have known he was sick, i would have taken him to the vet immediately.

i know it's cliche, but my cats are the closest thing to children i'll probably have. they've always had better healthcare than i have. they at least got their checkups. and my boy kitty, the one who is sick, always seemed to know when i needed some love. he would snuggle up next to me when i was sad or upset. i'm afraid that he won't get better. he was supposed to come home yesterday, but he pulled his catheter out. they have one of those collars on him now. but when he pulled it out, his little weewee clogged back up. so i am hoping that he'll be ok tomorrow because i really don't want to think about what choices i might have to make if he doesn't.

i've been dwelling on it for days. i've been trying to keep my mind busy and off of the situation and to be hopeful that he'll be ok. so we'll see. we will see. this kind of worry is exactly why i shouldn't have kids. or get married. or have any kind of attachments to anybody at all. but that's the chance you take when you allow people (and pets) into your heart. and i guess, in the long run, it's worth the pain of worrying. as much as i've given up to have pets where i live, as much trouble as it is to find housing that will allow you to have animals. it's worth it. we take chances with our hearts every day.

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