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21 February, 2006 - 2:09 a.m.
another reposting: destroying the beehive

another one inspired by Piece by piece. Tori talks about the image of a beehive, how you have octagons that share walls, so that if one wall is destroyed, you lose the structural integrity of the other surrounding octagons, etc. Also, the social structure of the beehive, where there is a queen and some workers and if something happens to the queen, the society goes into disorder until someone else takes over the queen role.

and i think that this imagery really does relate to what's going on in my family. since my gram, our queen, died last year, my family's been in disorder. i feel that it would be right for my mother to take over the role of the matriarch, the one people come to for advice and who has the power and who is the final say in matters of wisdom. it seems right, since it was her mother that died.

i feel myself being stretched and pulled into the matriarch position. my mother is floundering. she's in disorder. she's been exhibiting all these wierd behaviors and mood swings. i think it's, in part, because i refuse to be pulled in as the martriarch. my own mother calls me for ways to handle my sister. my stepfather calls me for ways to handle my sister. my sister calls me for ways to handle them. mom calls and wants advice on her relationship... like she would if I was her mother. but i'm not her mother. she's mine. i feel like i'm being stretched and pulled into that position before my time.

i want to be able to enjoy my late 20s without everyone relying on me for wisdom. they're much older than me. it's their role to do that for me. but when i need things, i can't rely on them. i've been a parentified child my whole life. and for once, i'd kind of like to go a week without my mother calling me for advice. go. be an adult. i'm tired. and i'm finding it difficult to contain my frustration with the situation. i need a vacation from my family so that i can stop snapping at them.

i feel bad because, in the bee metaphor, if no one takes over as queen, the bees disperse and join other hives, or they die. so what happens if i don't take this role? how long before the beehive isn't merely in disorder, but destroyed?

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