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13 June, 2005 - 10:07 p.m.
random update

Monday. "tell me why I don't like mondays..."

I have all the furniture moved out of what will be T's room. All that's left is taking the pictures down and filling in the holes with putty so that she's got a clean slate to decorate. It's wierd having a computer in my bedroom again. I've had it in a different room since fall of 2002. Guess this means I'll have to shut it off at night, as the blue light tubes on the front of it are really bright. I don't need anything else to contribute to my insomnia.

L and I pooled resources (a total of $15) and bought groceries. He'll give me a check tomorrow for what he owes me. That's a good thing. He gets his car back sometime this week. I have bills that need to get paid and have no cash. Terminal brokeness. It sucks my ass.

The internship seems to be settling down again. Sometimes I feel like information is a form of currency, you know? Too bad I don't have any information. I am building up a stockpile of handouts and worksheets for use in individual and group therapies. I put down the self-help book on depression I started reading last week. I got bored with it. I can't believe I got bored with a book on depression! I picked up a book called How to want what you have or something. It's pretty good. It's about how much of life's problems are related to desire. You know, wanting things you don't have. If I remember to bring it home tomorrow night, I'll do the 123 thing with it. It's got to be badass. I mean, it's already quoted a short story by Harlan Ellison of all people. Rock on!

I'm having an '80s party sometime in July or August. I'm in the middle of planning the music and what I'm wearing. I've already got some leg warmers. It's on. Like DonkeyKong.

11 June, 2005 - 11:58 p.m.
time for change

What a week. I have things going on at internship and at home. Let's talk about the home stuff first and then the internship stuff will make more sense.

I've been doing some evaluation and some forward thinking. You know, the whole "my life will be changing significantly in the next year or so and what sort of decisions do i need to make in order for my life to be happy and successful?" deal. I've been acting out of feelings of obligation and have been unhappy for some time, as I've hinted at somewhat here and which I also discussed in my previous existance on diaryland. So.

Decisions have been made that change the status of my relationship and living situation. L will be moving out. I've been pretty unhappy and unable to act on my feelings because I felt obligated to make this relationship work. He moved nearly a thousand miles to be with me, and I've felt guilty for thinking about changing the situation. I decided that I can't be responsible for him for the rest of my life. We teach our patients that they are responsible for how they act and feel and that change may be uncomfortable, but sometimes it is necessary. We had discussions and I've been pretty forthright with him the whole time (from October till the present). We are only responsible for ourselves. What I mean by that is that I can only change my own behavior, not someone else's. And I've been neglecting my own personal wellbeing because I had so much effort invested in his.

T will be moving in when she gets back from her vacation. L will go whenever he gets a place, which won't be easy because of all his car troubles (etc.) recently. It is difficult to live with this amount of stress, but I'm doing better in terms of taking care of myself and getting out of the house to relieve stress. Been hanging out with the guys some and with the girls a lot. Maybe I've been drinking and smoking too much, but it's keeping me together right now.

The internship is going well. Well, it's going ok. I'm enjoying it. I'm learning a literal shitload of stuff. I have experienced some irritation, though, with some of the people there and the way they do things. I've been shadowing people, as I've probably said. Everytime I shadow, I ask them what my role will be in the situation (active or observer), and afterwards I ask them for constructive criticism. Each time I get "fine" or "good". Then they go to my supervisor and tell her what I could improve on. And I hardly see her because she's a busy person. So I keep doing things that they don't want me to do because no one will tell me that I should be doing something different. It's not been anything bad, just small things. I just get upset because they get irritated with me for doing things and then I ask them what I can change and they don't say a damn thing.

I'd told my supervisor about what's going on at home and said that if she thought I was stressed, it wasn't related to the internship. It's all about what's going on at home. Someone told her I seemed uncomfortable and tense. I asked the three people I typically work with if I did seem that way and all three of them said no. So, the other three people I never work with (because they turn me down every time I ask to shadow them) are apparently reporting on me. And they don't even know me. WTF? How do you know if I'm tense or uncomfortable if you don't even know me?

So my supervisor called a meeting with my advisor from school and had him drive all the way up there for me to tell them again that it wasn't related to the internship. Personally, I think I appear uncomfortable because there's a clique exclusion thing going on. Everyone goes out to lunch together and they don't say anything to me. They stand in the hall talking and shut up when I walk by and then whisper. I ask to shadow and they say no. I thought we were adults. Maybe I was wrong.

I've been thinking a lot about choice and change. I've been thinking about making decisions that will make me happy in the long-term future, rather than what makes me happy right this second. It's a different perspective. Yeah, I'm sad. Yeah, I'm upset. Yeah, I'm angry. But my future is important enough to fight for and to suffer for. I deserve it. And I am worth it.

02 June, 2005 - 10:42 p.m.
girl, you know it's true. i'm a pisces, too.

Your Element Is Water

A bit of a contradiction, you can seem both lighthearted and serious. That's because you're good at going with the flow - but you also are deep. Highly intuitive, you tune in to people's emotions and moods easily. You are able to tap into deep emotional connections and connect with others. You prefer a smooth, harmonious life - but you can navigate your way around waves. You have a knack for getting people to get along and making life a little more peaceful.

02 June, 2005 - 10:13 p.m.
super counselor, activate!

Week two of my internship is almost over. I clocked a whole 26 hours last week (started Tuesday), 16 of which were client contact hours. I'm not so good with numbers, but I have to complete 600 hours (240 contact). It's a start, anyway.

Some time this week, we talked about avoidance and self-pity. How people engage in self-pitying behaviors to excuse their actions and avoid taking responsibility for their problems. I've thought about that a lot and wound up having a talk with the bf about things that need changing. It was a tough conversation, but it had to be said. Last time, I didn't say these things and it all came out all at once. I think he needs to know what he has to do in order for this relationship to work. It's only fair that I say it out loud. We'll see.

Today, one of the techs (kind of like an orderly) pulled me aside and told me that he and the other techs had been talking about how good a job I'm doing. Most of the other counselors don't smile, and, if they do, it doesn't reach their eyes. They talk to the patients very sternly, and I understand that they need that sometimes. But sometimes they need to be chastized in a voice that doesn't sound angry. I talk to them and use humor to illustrate my examples. It's a good learning tool. It also helps if they don't automatically tune you our and if they look forward to talking to you. We teach them that you have to give respect to receive it. I learned that in my foundations of education class back in the day. Anyway, I thought it was a great compliment, and on my eight day, no less!

I've been working mostly with one counselor that the others don't really seem to like all that much. She and I get along pretty well. The other counselors are pretty distant so far. I've been really extending myself with friendliness, but I can only do so much. But I'm having a great time. My next statement is not related to the great time.

I had my head checked for lice today because someone on the unit had it when she came in and it sort of spread around. I don't really hang out with the patients, but I felt itchy as soon as the nurse told me about it. I waited a few days and had her check me. Bleh. I'm clean. That's still disgusting, though. That word makes me want to scratch.

Thanks to the people at Glarkware for getting my shirt to me so fast! It was one of those "now or never" orders and it references a website that I enjoy. Has the girl reading logo and the catchphrase "smart. witty. literate as hell." I'd mentioned it in my previous diaryland existence.

And I thought this story was hysterical. Some people take everything the wrong way. Not everything has to be related to christianity. Besides, it's a hockey team name. What are we going to censor next?

I'd copied and pasted up to this point, and lost the last half of my entry. Fuck. Let's see if I can remember.

Bush came to town. I didn't know. I would have shown up with a dry erase board so that I could correct his grammar.

Tomorrow is our relay for life fundraiser. A beauty pageant where the guys are getting dolled up in dresses, makeup, and wigs. Sweet. I donated some old makeup: blue eyeshadow, wine colored lipstick, some eyeliner, and a vial of glitter.

Tomorrow is money day at the university. Three weeks is too long without a paychech. Thank god. And I get to go in late. Woo!

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