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20 August, 2005 - 11:36 p.m.
shitty

I got a cold somewhere. and i feel like crusty old ass. it sucks because i am taking next week off and i'm gonna feel like crap on my week off. dammit.

we had a potluck lunch at one of my professor's house today. lots of professors, three people i actually knew and a bunch of new people. whee. i invited my mom and she went with me. which was good. i took her on a tour of the town, which consisted of me driving past the university, showing her the army base, and showing her the bar we always go to. lol. woo. this town is exciting.

mom asked me what i'd be wearing to this event and i told her "jeans". she shows up in dress clothes. wtf. apparently, there's this rule that she has to be more dressed up than me. If i'd said "shorts", she would have come dressed more casually. but she didn't ask me what SHE should wear, and i don't own any shorts.

it was nice to see her and show her around and basically spend time with her away from everybody else. we don't get to do that a lot. we sat outside at my prof's house and sweated, basically. and i put my feet in the pool, but i didn't bring a bathing suit. i wouldn't have gone in anyway because of body image issues.

and i don't own any shorts because of the weight i put on during my relationship with l. ten pounds of which i have lost. twenty more to go. my jeans no longer fit and it's getting irritating. i have to wear a belt all the time and the fabric tends to gather in the crotch area. which is flattering, just in case you were wondering. i don't have anything in between the size i have on and the next size that i own. sucks. i'll just wait until i lose more weight and i can break out the box of clothes again.

i feel like shit, so i'm going to bed.

18 August, 2005 - 10:02 p.m.
penis cookies, an eviction notice, and a 7-ft inflatable cake

We had a badass birthday surprise party for H2 last night. The events started on Tuesday night, when C, T, and I made birthday cookies for her. In the shape of penises. PENISES!!! From the cookie cutters that SB gave me a few years ago. We made up a big batch of sugar cookies and decorated them with icing (brown and white, for realism and diversity). We wrote things on them, like "H2 was here" and "Lick it" and "Mine's bigger" and decorated some of them with sprinkles as if they had STDs. It was a dicktastic good time. Very very very funny. I'll post pictures when I get a chance.

Yesterday morning, I had a manditory meeting at the university to sign my contract for the GA position. Yay! I got my paycheck schedule. I'm definitely looking forward to that. Because I was going to be late to my internship anyway, I went over to H2's house to put a seven-foot self-inflating nylon lawn ornament shaped like a birthday cake on her lawn. Muhuhahahaha. Then I went to work, had a pretty decent day, and left about 15 minutes early because I realized it was going to rain and that the extension cords I used to plug in the seven-foot tall cake were for interior use only. I didn't want to give H2 the best birthday gift ever, the burnt-out shell of what used to be her house. So I made sure everything was ok and headed home.

Arrived home in a torrential downpour, arranged for H2 to meet us at the house after going home to change (a ploy designed only to get her to see the giant cake in her yard), and checked the mail. To open one letter and have a complete, full-blown anxiety attack. I swear to god. I thought I was going to die. It's been a while since I had one of those. You're probably curious as to what the letter contained. *ahem*

Dear Tenant:
According to your Lease Agreement, you are in violatin for non-payment of rent. There is still an outstanding balance for rent and all applicable charges and late fees.
You are hereby officially notified to vacate the premises no later than September 16, 2005. This will be your only notice. However, this eviction can be cancelled upon full reimbursement of the rent and associated fees listed below.
Enclosed is a Checkout Sheet for your informatin. You will be held responsible for the rent, all late fees and cost, condition and cleanliness of the property until you are checked out, the property inspected, keys returned, and/or property re-rented.
Please contact this office, at (their phone number), as to your intention for vacating the property so a check-out appointment can be made.

I paid my rent for July and August in cash during the first week of July, fully knowing that I would not be getting paid until the end of August. At that time, I took a check from T and paid her half of July's rent. In early August, she took a check to them for her half of August's rent. So I know damn well that our rent is fine until September. But in my head, I questioned it. And freaked out. Also, I engaged in selective reading and did not take in the part about the eviction being cancelled in the event that I pay them. It took me for-fucking-ever to find this apartment and we have a really good deal on rent ($450 a month for a two bedroom two-story townhouse with washer/dryer hookups, a dishwasher, and 1.5 bathrooms) and this town doesn't like renting to pet owners. I have two cats. It took me three months to get this place. So yes. Chest pain. Heart palpitations. Feeling like my airway was closed and that I was going to suffocate. I literally felt like I was going to die. And all this 15 minutes before people are supposed to show up at my house for a surprise party.

C showed up around that time and I let her read the letter and she told me that I could pay the missing portion and that it would be ok and that she would lend me the supposedly missing $270 if I needed it. Dude. That is what friends are for. If anybody knows any cute, feminine lesbians in this area, please let me know. She totally deserves a hook-up. And this town is not a great place to meet people if you're straight, let alone gay. At my internship, I had just done a group about anxiety coping skills, so I went through deep-breathing and reminding myself that it would be ok and that it was probably a mistake.
The end of that story was this morning, when I called the rental agency and told them "I have receipts!! I know I paid!" and they told me that they had changed ownership last month and, as a result, the rental accounts had been re-numbered and that half of everybody's renting information was on the old account number and half on the new account number. The computer automatically spits out those letters if you haven't paid in full by the 15th of the month. The secretary or whoever hadn't known that the letters were a mistake, so she mailed them. And that they were very very sorry. I think they owe me a free carpet cleaning or something. Maybe send pest control over for free. Ugh. Relief. Thank god.

Anyway, after C reassured me last night that everything would be fine, H2 showed up. T was teaching and told us to start without her. H2 had called me mid-panic and I did my best to pretend that everything was fine. She was like "have you been to my house today?" and I was all "yeeeeessss." And we giggled about the cake. She thought it was the funniest thing ever. EVER!! When she got to the house, C and I asked her if she wanted something to drink and we went into the kitchen, where we had wax paper lining the table with penis cookies all over it pointing toward icing that read "Happy Birthday H2!" She thought it was great. Awesome. We ate some cockies (get it?), made some dick jokes (a lot of them), and ordered in some chinese take-out. T had rented Sex in the City season 6 part 2 for her (because she hadn't been able to find it at her Ballbuster) and we watched four episodes of it.

After that, we went to the pub we always go to and brought along cockies for our favorite bartenders and the bouncer. They know our names. They don't check our ID any more. They ask about details of our lives that our parents don't even know about. It was pretty funny when we gave Stacy her cockie... it came out that they were made from my cookie cutters. She said that she thought **I** was the safe, nice one. WHAT!?? How long has she known me?? I'm the one you have to look out for. Hah. If anybody is the nice, safe one, it's T (as long as you're not listening to the things she mutters under her breath. Girl could crack you up at a funeral with her sarcasm). Me? I say the same things out loud when drunk that I say sober (or the other way around), only I say them louder and with bigger hand gestures. And I will say them to your face (which I'll also do sober). And other people will laugh. Safe. HAHAHAHA.

So we hung out there and H2 gave out mardi gras beads to guys who were willing to flash us for them. As she's wearing a blinking light-up tiara and I'm wearing a regular one (until we switched cause hers was giving her a headache. I was her birthday back-up, just in case she got birthday'd out. I could then take over and the party wouldn't stop). We tried to get these guys to make out with each other and one guy was up for it, but the other wouldn't go for it. And some guy walked up to C and literally said the following to her, "I was going to hit on you, but I'm drunk." *snicker* And then he and his friend proceeded to haunt us for the rest of the night. But the two of them wouldn't make out for us. *rolls eyes* We told them that real men who are secure in their sexuality would do it. Payback for all of those manipulative things that men say to us. It's a bitch, ain't it?

Anyway, that's yesterday for you. As I said, I'll post pictures of the event sometime soon. Probably next week, because I'm taking a week off before school starts and I'll be home all day with cable internet.

16 August, 2005 - 8:01 p.m.
Linkity LINK!

I initially read this article because it was linked on FARK, which is where I get most of my links (and news. and other knowledge). And I got really excited when I saw that the article is about something that my favorite author came up with. Hee!

I have also gotten several emails and other communications about where I get my links. Mostly from FARK, but my roommate introduced me to the Stumble Upon toolbar, which lets me personalize my interests and (when I press the button on the toolbar) magically generates websites related to my interests. That's where the link about England revoking America's independence came from. Hehe. MAGIC!

Oh! And this link is great. It's excerpts from a book called Lies my teacher taught me, which is about the things we learn in school about american history... most of which are untrue.

I had a moment today at work. Why are drunk guys and psych patients the only ones who actually tell me (out loud) that I'm attractive? What is wrong with the rest of you men? HRMM???

I had another moment today at work. I was eating my lunch (turkey and cheese sandwich, a Coke, and some chips) on the rear smokers' porch, which is where I always eat my lunch because it's typically pretty quiet and it is covered and it's OUTSIDE, when this cute little squirrel approached (only it was on the ground, maybe six feet vertically down from me) and I threw it a piece of crust from my sandwich. He grabbed it and took off. I giggled and went back to eating. I was a little bit startled to see a squirrel face peeking around the trashcan at the end of the porch a few minutes later. I gave him some more crust. And giggled. He scampered off.

Oh, and interestingly enough, I have been told that I am apparently radiating the light of god through my eyes. I just thought you should know. I'll try not to zap you with it. (Or would that be "It"?) You might get cancer or something. Gotta be careful these days what kind of light you get exposed to.

15 August, 2005 - 8:25 p.m.
in other news...

John Cleese informs America that England is revoking our independence. And I agree with his reasoning.

But whatever. It's been a dreadfully long day. I was two therapists in one. I thought I'd come home and crash, but was subsequently unable to sleep. Argh. Nothing on TV on Monday nights. And my cartoons don't start for an hour. So we'll see how much longer I make it before I just die.

Had a good conversation with an old friend last night which left me pretty concerned about him and his state of being. And received an email from him today that left me even more concerned. But that's what I do. I worry. Especially about people that mean something to me. At any rate, I'm off for now. More relevant updates later this week.

14 August, 2005 - 6:45 p.m.
Dear Men,

After some careful consideration and assertions by others that I am actively looking for a boyfriend, I feel it is time to post the "i am single, here is what i want from men right now" entry. Ahem.

Dear men,
Right now, I don't think that it would be wise for me to get into a relationship with you, as I just got out of a year and a half long dating relationship. I'm still dealing with the hassles of having bills, etc., in each others' names. I'm sorry, but I just don't want a commitment right now. If you're not ok with that, then go see someone else.

What I would like from you at this point in time is an occasional phone call, some conversation, and maybe some bootie. Tell me I'm beautiful, but don't lie and say I do when I look like crap that day. Make me feel wanted, desired, and in some way express occasional affection. We can hang out. Watch tv. Make fun of other people. Later, give me some of that ass, and let me go home. That's all I really want right now. If you can do that, we'll be straight. Fantastic, even.

If you hint at commitment or "girlfriend", I'm out. I don't have that kind of time. Don't tell me you love me. Don't tell me that our children will be beautiful. Don't tell me that we're going to grow old together. Ain't happening. I have too much stuff going on in the rest of my life to invest my emotional energy in you. The end. Is that so hard? I mean, really.

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