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22 November, 2005 - 11:28 a.m.
AMN: part one of the discussion

and my response to his reply to AMN1. you can have my responses but not his, because i didn't write them.

I would totally agree that men gat a bad rap. I was really hoping I could prove them wrong with my research... research done BY A WOMAN that proves that men take into consideration the same things women do when it comes to attraction. But no. 60 students proved me wrong. That is not to say that there weren't many that answered their surveys exactly the way I would... it's just that the rest of them made those results not available to me statistically.

I know a TON of great guys. sensitive, kind, gentlemen who aren't afraid to cry (even in front of me, which is a pretty safe place to do it, I don't mind saying). Hell, D cried at my grandmother's funeral, and he hadn't seen her in years. He held my hand too, because that's what friends are there for. Then we went out and he bought me a beer. Heh.

I think that men are changing and that the stereotype hasn't caught up yet. Or men are changing and half of mankind is in a backlash of uber-chauvanism. I don't like that "masculinity" has become synonymous with chauvanism. I think it's entirely possible to be manly and still be gentle and sweet. The mark of a man is not in his muscles or displays of dominance, but in whether or not he has his shit together.

I don't believe that real men want to hurt people, either. I believe that, if we're measuring people based on strength, it should be on inner strength. self-reliance. self-control. I don't believe that masculinity is by definition opposed to femininity. It's more than a semantic debate. It's like yin and yang. It should work together and compliment.

I don't know. Maybe we should move beyond a gender-ism, and move to humanism. (Which is a set of theories in psychology, by the way... but it doesn't have the same meaning that I would slap on it.) I think maybe if we move beyond the boundaries of gender and race and religion and all those things that divide us because we put those barriers between us (and stick labels on ourselves)... and simply value humanity, I think that would be a good start. Start treating people some self-respect and giving them back their dignity and teach them to develop the skills they need to achieve self-actualization (not that any of us ever really get there, but I digress) and (back to the "who pays" debate, and this is where my grandmother would call me a communist) have the richer among us share with the poorer among us... I think it would be a better place. It's like when I'm broke, my girls buy my drinks. When they're broke, I've got their backs, too. It should be like that.

I hope I am never so hardened and jaded that I lose my social activist outlook, that I treat people like numbers instead of individuals. I wish we could go back to a deeper sense of community and have that feeling of social responsibility where we pick up those who have fallen, knowing that if we, too, fall, we will also be helped back up.

I love that you rock out with your dork out, and I totally repped for the dorks yesterday when that girl was going on and on and on about her ex that wore the stormtrooper costume to bed with her once. you know, because i'm one too. and because she was obviously the popular one in high school and because i'm really tired of the "i dress like the tv tells me to because my family can afford it, so that makes me better than you" mentality. I'm still tired of it. I don't know if I'll ever get tired of it. These people (and the lack of appropriate protective measures against harassment in high schools) are the reasons why most school shooters were social isolates (and mostly goth, which strikes quite close to home). I think that if people were taught that everyone is valuable and that diversity makes our world a better place... well, I think maybe violence in our schools (and all over) would decrease. I'm going to save this message and re-read it when I'm older and I remember what it was like to know everything.

I'm still totally shy around guys that I like. Not so much around guys in general, cause of the whole tomboy thing (and because i really don't like most women). It's very rare that I ever make a first move. My M.O. is to sit in the corner and stare at the floor, blushing furiously the whole time. I don't know how that's worked so well for me in the past. *shrug*

I think what bothers me so much about the whole "who pays?" situation is that it's a false pretense for the woman to reach for her purse like she's gonna pay, or at least that's how the author puts it. I'm sorry, but if I'm not prepared for paying, I'm not going. To expect someone to shell out some bucks simply for the pleasure of my company is way too arrogant for my taste. And I'm not against saying, "i'm broke, how about we rent a movie instead" when plans are made. I don't know. Maybe it's that blunt honesty I learned from my family. (oh god, you'd get a kick out of them.) My family, they don't mince words. When I related the information about my thesal findings (that men's ratings of female social attractiveness and similarity decrease, but her physical attractiveness stays the same), by grandmother had NO PROBLEM saying, (verbatim) "so what you're telling me is that men think with their dicks." I didn't even go there in my head. hah!

I don't know. I think it's irresponsible on the woman's part to not be honest with someone about whether or not she can (and is willing to) afford to pay for an expensive night out. Not that I've ever had an expensive night out, but one could imagine how pricey it can get. The author was arguing that it *costs more* for a woman to get ready for a date than it does for a man, so therefore the men should pay!!! Because we have shaving and waxing and shoes and pantyhose and dresses and bras that lift and separate and god knows what else (manicure, makeup, pedicure??) to pay for... I don't buy it. I think that's a cop-out. I don't think that looking expensive is really a good dating strategy. What that says to me is "high maintenance" and "compensating for something". And if a guy wants to pay, fine. But I'm getting the tip. Or some similar arrangement.

This book has me so fired up. I'm totally going to talk to N about it and keep her informed of my inner debate on the subject.

i'm where i've always been... halfway hating women for the way that we represent ourselves and at the same time, feeling like there are reasons for our behavior. now if i could only find a solution. a quick-fix computer virus patch that cures it in seconds. healing by touch and all that.

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