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06 December, 2005 - 10:36 a.m.
brief spat of melancholy.

ugh. i felt like crap yesterday, emotionally. I was having this whole "this is my last week of graduate school" melancholy. So of course, I wrote to the Boy. It always seems to help.

So I found out that my last day of work is really Wednesday. Which means I have nothing to do. I'm starting to gather my little bits and pieces from my office and bring them home, which is kind of sad. I realized today that I'll probably never have this view of my tree ever again, nor will I sit here and write a paper and watch the sun set over/behind [building name] again.

Wierd how sentimental endings can be. I suck at beginnings and endings. I am very good at middles, maintaining. Beginnings I find to be awkward and hesitating. Endings are so cold and sad and sometimes relieving, but endings are always hard for me. Middles are great. You find a groove and kick it old school just doing your thing, improving over time, perfecting it to an art. This grad school thing was so hard to start and it is becoming very hard to end. The middle bit was great (at least course-wise and in terms of friends, in terms of romance... it SUCKED). But here I am at an ending when I know that my ending is now a beginning, thus compounding the difficulty in my head.

It makes my head swim to think of how many levels of beginning and ending there are at the same time. There's me and you (a beginning, hopefully). There's the school thing (ending). There's the career thing (beginning). There's my friendships (middle and beginning). There's my life in general (middle). There's my consciousness (beginning). I could go on all day.

I'm doing a wierd thing, giving away my office supplies. It's like they say a sign of suicide is when people start giving away things... i know i won't be back here, so i'm giving people my stuff. a morbid way to describe it, but it fits. i don't care who these people are, they're not getting my red and green staples. dude. colored staples. it's the little things in life.

and so he came over last night and we snuggled a little bit and i woke up feeling much better. funny how comforting that can be. he's so fucking sweet. i love it.

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