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21 January, 2006 - 11:06 p.m.
blog for choice

I'm going to go ahead and write my Blogging For Choice entry. I don't know what my plans are for tomorrow and I want to make sure I get to it. Because it's important.

The assignment is to write about reproductive rights. Bush v. Choice states, "On January 22nd, the 33rd anniversary of Roe v. Wade, we are asking pro-choice bloggers to join us in a day of activism for choice. This is our chance to raise the profile of reproductive rights issues in the blogosphere and the media, and to let everyone know that a woman's right to choose is not negotiable."

When I was a freshman in college, I met what seemed to be a nice boy and we dated for a while. We kissed and petted and did all sorts of innocently affectionate things that young couples do. Of course, things progress over time and certain desires filled the head of my partner, and mine as well. I'd decided that I wasn't going to have sex with him because I wanted to wait until we knew each other better and because of other reservations about some things that I sensed about him.

Long story to short, one night he decided that we should have sex. I said no. He said yes. And since he was bigger and stronger and because the residence halls were fairly empty that weekend, he got his wish. In my shame, I said nothing... for a while. In my self-loathing, I even continued to date him. When his sister let it slip that he was cheating on me (with a 14 year-old girl), my rage at what he'd done to me (and was now doing to a minor) surpassed the effects of my low self-esteem and I talked to campus police about it. Quietly, I pressed charges and he was arrested and the investigation showed that yes, he was engaging in statutory rape. The girl (and her parents) went along with it and he went to jail. Two counts of rape... her and me.

It's hard to write about these things, even six years later.

I felt certain symptoms. I bought a pregnancy test, peed on it, and watched the dreaded second line appear. I was young and had an education to complete and I made the decision to have an abortion. I got the money. I made the appointment. And then I had a miscarriage. In my jaded little way, I was pleased... at least insurance pays for miscarriage procedures at the hospital. At least I could have follow-up care with a decent doctor. At least I didn't have to drive five hours away to have my needs met. And at least the hospital was close enough that I could call a taxi to take me home... and no one would find out.

I'm not going to go into all the factors that went into my decision making process when I considered having an abortion. That's none of your damn business. All you need to know is that I made the decision and I would have followed through if nature had not intervened. I consider the right to choose whether or not I want to have a child to be one of the most important rights that women have, and it is also the one that is most in danger of being lost. I'm not going to argue about at what point in time life begins and I'm not going to argue about abortion and murder. For all you know, miscarriage is murder, too (yeah. follow that line of thinking... doesn't make sense to the anti-choice people).

My first semester of graduate school, I discovered that I had a tumor in my uterus that could cause scarring that would prevent me from having children. I paid out-of-pocket for treatment. It was the same procedure as a vacuum aspiration abortion. I could not afford anesthesia, and so experienced the procedure on nothing but a valium and some ibuprofin. Before, during, and after that procedure, I wondered what the results would be... did we get to it in time to preserve my ability to bear children some day? (don't hold your breath. the answer is "probably".) I thought about my miscarriage and wondered if that had been my only chance at experiencing motherhood. I thought long and hard about my decision to have an abortion and waited to feel guilty. I never did. And I still don't. I would have gone through with i and it would have been the right decision for me.

I'm not saying that every woman should use this right. I'm not saying that abortion should be used as a means of birth control. I'm saying that sometimes, an individual's life (many individual's lives) call for an action that not everyone agrees with. That's the great thing about this country. Not everyone has to agree and we understand that not all choices are right for all people. Choice. The ability to choose. The RIGHT to choose. It's one of the most important rights that women have today.

I'm not going to talk about politics and religion today, though you've heard it from me before. I'm not going to talk about politics and gender, which you've also heard from me before. I'm not going to talk about politics and money and power... which, of course, you've heard from me. I'm saying this: Sometimes there are actions that people need to take, and not everyone has to agree with them. But it is important that we have the right to choose for ourselves. Just as we have the right to choose our religion and our political affiliations and where to live and what kind of job and education we will have. There is no mandate barring us from those choices. This is not an issue which impacts the health and wellness of men. There is no men's health issue that even compares to the effect of unwanted pregnancy. And this explains why it feels like we're the only ones fighting for it.

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