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01 March, 2006 - 12:45 a.m.
from monday, part two.

i keep having arguments with myself in my head about the things i'd love to say to my mother. while i don't want to stoop to her level and say things simply to hurt her, i feel like i have to get these things out or they'll come out at the worst time... like at the wedding or something. so. *deep breath*

where were you when i was in high school and why didn't i have a parent in the house? why did you allow my brother to do/deal drugs out of the house? why did you smoke pot with him when he was a teenager? why did all of your money go toward clothes and shoes for yourself when we had nothing while you were dating john? when, exactly, were you planning to give me the sex talk? i was 17 when you caught me. why did you go to the grand cayman islands instead of going to my brother's graduation?

why did you claim me on your taxes the entire time i was in college, though you and {my stepdad} contributed nothing toward school or books or housing? why did you say i was "seeking attention" when i told you about your (now ex) husband molesting me when i was 8? why have you pressured me toward having children and getting married since i was 16? do you measure your worth in grandchildren? are you mormon or something? why did you put up with years of taking shit from your mother and never do anything about it? why was the age of 14 the last time i felt like we were close?

do you think that i'm so dependent on you that i will sit here and take this shit? when will you learn that money isn't everything and that money doesn't make a relationship work. Neither does having a ring on your finger. when will you face your own problems instead of projecting your frustrations on me? when will you take my advice and get help for your relationship issues, instead of complaining to me about them? when will you realize that you can't solve our problems by interfering in our lives? when will you realize that it's natural for children to grow up, go away, and not call mommy every day?

when will you realize that your problems don't go away when you ignore them? they just come back. it's a cycle. (hey, karma.)

when will you realize that lashing out at the one person who's always been your emotional stability isn't the best plan, especially when you're unstable. when will you see that your insomnia is probably because you don't want to sleep in the same bed with your husband? when will you realize that your marriage is based on things, not on love?

when will you learn to treat people with respect and not trample over their feelings just because you don't like what they have to say? when will you learn that your argument is not better simply because you raised your voice? when will you learn that petty insults are immature and unrelated to the nature of an argument... and therefore, you don't win? when will you learn that the objective of an argument is not to make the other person feel bad or cry? when will you learn that you don't make friends by pressuring them or making them feel guilty? when will you learn that being a mother is different from birthing a baby?

when will you realize that i don't want to talk about other people's drama? when will you learn that drama is the fastest way to make me leave? when will you see that other people's business is none of my business, and i simply don't care about it and i don't want to hear about it? when will you see that people are happier making their own decisions and mistakes, not reliving your decisions and mistakes?

when will you learn that, in marriage, practice does not make perfect? that it's not the size of the wedding or the price of the ring that makes a marriage last? that two people can love each other without a certificate that makes it so? that it's not a BAD thing to live together to figure out how things work before you make it legal? that people today don't judge you for that any more?

i don't know, you guys. i'm pretty sure that i'm cleaning my stuff out of her attic on saturday, either before the wedding or after, and that i am uncertain at this point whether or not i can go back there after that. i will tell you that the first thing i'm doing when i get a job is to pay her in cash for everything she's helped me with over the years. at this point, i owe her... 230, 275, and 200. so when i start getting paid, i'm just going to mail her cash. because i will not be beholden to anyone. and i will not have my poverty hung over my head for the rest of my life. i will not be controlled or made to feel unworthy of my existence just because i don't have things. i did my best to better myself through education, education my mother feels was wasted on me. but i have something that no one can take away. not her. not anybody. maybe she'd see me in a better light if i got a felony or a DUI or gave her presents all the time, but that's not me. i have to do what's right for me. and i told you before what i told myself long ago... anybody that stands in the way of my destiny has to go. blood may be thicker than water, but that's never stopped our family before. some cycles have to end. i will not be that girl.

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