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01 March, 2006 - 12:43 a.m.
from Monday, part one.

i just had the worst day. the part about dress shopping went fine. i had the talk i needed to have with the bride, and it went fine, too. and we found the dress and it's beautiful and mom came up and paid for it. i was right. she's paying for everything.

but my mother was itching for a fight. and when she went off about l not taking the bridesmaid's dress to someone (who works until wednesday during the hours that the alteration lady is open, so wednesday is the only day she can go get fitted), i mentioned that it was an inconvenience to plan a wedding in a week and to expect everyone else to rearrange their lives for this event. meanwhile, there i am, having driven the 70 miles there to take a girl i've met THREE times including today to shop for her wedding gown. and i'm sick. and i'm broke. and i didn't even ask for the gas money that mom said she'd give me.

mom went off. she lost it. in spite of the fact that i was there in spite of the inconveniences to my life. she fucking lost it. started screaming at me, inferring all sorts of shit that i've repeated way too much of by this point anyway, but amongst which were statements regarding my lack of a job, my inadequacies as a counselor, and the waste of money it was to send me to school (which i'm paying for myself, by the way).

so i left. in tears. the story is a lot longer, but let's let it go to bed for now. the point is that my mother is a child and that she had a tantrum and took it out on the first safe target she could find because she is unhappy with her life and her marriage is failing and she's doing nothing but making the situation worse, because i've been her emotional crutch my entire life. and i'm done with it. i'm not listening to it any more. no more marriage problems. no more family problems. no more parenting solutions for raising my sister. i'm done being the mother. i didn't respond to her tantrum. i just left.

the beehive is being destroyed. i refuse to be the queen, and i will not be disrespected, not even by my mother. the woman needs counseling and she needs to deal with her own shit instead of taking it out on me. i'm done with it.

i really don't know how i'm getting through the next month or so financially. hopefully my father's side of the family can help me out a bit. but i'm done with my mother. she needs to grow up.

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