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01 March, 2006 - 12:48 a.m.
from tuesday

i'm starting to feel a little better, both mentally and physically. it's a lot easier to deal with people like my mother when you consider their unwellness. it's a lot easier to have compassion for them when you realize that they don't even know they're so unhappy that they take it out on everyone else. but like other people that i've eliminated from my life, there comes a breaking point when i can't deal with the level of negativity any more. and i don't deserve to, either.

my head is a lot clearer this morning, both mentally and physically. it's nice to be able to breathe out of one side of my head again. i can smell things, too, which isn't that great considering my need for a shower at the moment.

i came to the conclusion last night that my heart is so heavy because i'm grieving the loss of this relationship... but i also realized that i'd fabricated the relationship in my head anyway, and placed her in a role she never took anyway. it's one of the reasons why i am so uncertain about having children... mom just spawned me and left me to fend for myself (other than meeting my basic needs). and that's what happens when you have babies so young. whenever i have a problem, i call my grandmother or my godmother. and whenever i had a problem that required comfort, i'd go visit my aunt. after that one big breakup i had in college, i went to visit my aunt... mom found out in an email because i knew it would somehow become about her and i didn't need to be more upset. all of my mothering has come from the women on my dad's side.

i realized a long time ago that my fear of marriage isn't about my ability to commit, because i know i can do that. it's because i have no real-life basis for a marriage that worked. all i have is a mom and dad who married and divorced each other twice, with the same exact problems... and with the addition of a stepmother, and having had two stepfathers. i wasn't around for the first marriage of mom's. i know about the impact of divorce and what happens when you don't appropriately grieve the loss of your relationships... and then jump right into another relationship over and over and over again. i know a woman who married every guy she slept with and holds it against me that i've lived with a guy and not married him. i know a woman who repeatedly chose her marriages over her children.

it makes me really hesitant to get into serious relationships, and it's something that i think i'll go talk to someone about when i get health insurance. every time i start to really like a guy, something inside me stiffens and tries to pull away. and i feel that happening now, though i'm trying hard not to do it.

i'm really struggling with this. and i'm trying to do it without harming people around me. i feel the guilt that i've always felt when i experience something that's deeply emotional... that if i talk about it too much, i'm bringing people down. that if they're around me, i'm bringing them down. i feel that i'm radiating sorrow and i don't want anyone else to be hurt by that. i'm doing my best to try to be positive. and it's really really hard right now. but the good part of this, at least for today, is that i have this opportunity to examine the dynamics in my family before i even get to the point where i'm thinking about a family myself, that way i can learn to change the things that made me unhappy before i bring anybody else into the picture. it's a positive thing, i think, to have that option. the other good thing is that my mom has been such a large source of negativity across my life and now i can see what it's like to not have that negativity. i think it might be harder in the beginning, but i think things tend to get easier over time. some things are uphill battles, and i'm worth fighting for.

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