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03 April, 2006 - 8:47 p.m.
my apologies; plus update #1

i'm sorry. i just got tapped with the realization that i've been updating elsewhere and not sharing my stuff with you here. d'oh. things do take a while for me to make myself un-googlable. taking out places and names so my family and whoever can't find me. you know. clients. those receiving mental health services. which is going swimmingly, by the way. so. prepare for several updates. and i'll keep reminding at the top that i've put several in a row. *HUG*

4:36 PM - what i really wanted to say

i got a request to join a [online] group that is basically my senior high school class. and they had a forum regarding the upcoming reunion, etc. and all i said was "if there's a party, i'm in." but what i wanted to say, and what i typed and deleted, was the following.

i was hoping to never hear from most of you ever again. thanks for making four years of my life a living hell. that having been said, i embrace the idea that people can change and that we're not always going to be the same person we were back in high school. so if we've all grown and changed for the better, well, that's a good thing. and if not, fuck off.

but i didn't say that. it's like the other weekend when i ran into someone i knew back in the day and introduced them to someone else with the reference "we went to high school together" and they snapped "we don't talk about those days" and i was so taken aback by the statement... i wanted to be a bitch back and say "good thing i didn't bring the scrapbook" or some shit like that. but i didn't. because i can choose to be a bitch or i can choose to be myself.

like i was going to talk about the misery that was high school. and my advice to all teenagers is this: when adults tell you "these are the best years of your life", don't believe them. if that was the best life would ever be, you might as well kill yourself now. but it's not. it gets better. you grow up and you get out of your parents' home and you move on and do things with your life and it's better. because, for me, at that age, things couldn't have been worse.

high school lead me to serious dysfunction, and maybe it's that way for everybody. but i'm talking about suicide attempts, anorexia, and cutting. i'd like to blame the continual harassment by the rest of the school and the lack of support in my home for that, but that wouldn't be shouldering my part of the responsibility. and i do take responsibility for my actions and my emotions. and i've grown since then and i'm changed. and i've learned to tell people to "fuck off" since then, too, so that helps.

and i'd love to point out to people the ways that they hurt me, but i won't. and there are still some things that i'm not over and there are things that will never be fixed. and all i can do is move on with my life, knowing that i've made something of myself and that i make a difference in the lives of many on a daily basis. and i've decided that THAT's good enough for me, for now. and i can know with some smug satisfaction that at some point, in pretty much any system of belief, people will have to answer for themselves as to why they did (or did not do) certain things. and that karmic retribution is not mine to determine.

and at that time, i will have to answer for myself as well. and i know that, which is why i live my life the way i do.

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