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03 April, 2006 - 8:55 p.m.
update three

by the way, these are in reverse chronological order. just to fuck with you. March 29.

as i falter, i realize i'm still trying to escape my identity as That Girl. I keep resisting getting pulled over the edge and into her being. i've tried over the years to differentiate myself from her, but there are still those who fail to see we don't remain who we were forever. if all goes properly, we become someone else... still the same in our hearts, but different due to growth. i feel like i'm being stretched in different directions- like i'm having my spirit pushed down into my body. and it's stifling.

i certainly am trying to resist the pressure and to maintain the fragile identity i've managed to develop over the years. i don't want to be a Shoegazer any more. i don't want to be weak and clinging and less than whole. i don't want to fall back in the hole of suspicion and jealousy. i don't want to measure my self-worth by what others think of me. and i don't want to measure myself and my attractiveness by sex. i'm tired of those patterns, and i find i still doubt myself.

more often than you might know.

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