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03 April, 2006 - 8:56 p.m.
update number four

march 28

i've had body image issues all day. i swear to god. this shit doesn't go away (the feelings, that is). i woke up with body image issues. and i hate that. just when you feel comfortable looking in a full-length mirror. dot dot dot.

the good news is that these periods come farther and farther apart as the years go by. the good news is that, unless i've been shopping for pants, i really don't think about it that often. and now i take a friend with me for damage control. at least i have friends who are both brutally honest and tactful.

i bought a full-length mirror last night because i don't have a mirror in my room and it's become increasingly important to see what my clothes look like before i leave the house, what with the professional job and all. and i am trying to be creative about my mixing and matching, and it's helpful to have a mirror so i don't walk out looking like a jackass. i may BE a jackass, but at least i won't LOOK like one.

i woke up this morning and showered and dried off and dressed and looked at myself in the mirror. and all day, i've been feeling really fat. and i discovered that my pants were fitting funny because i wore a different belt. a smaller belt that was in a bag of clothing i went through that heather was giving away. and it was a little small, but i didn't realize that would pull my pants up higher than i'm used to wearing them, which made them fit my thighs differently.

sometimes i still hear {guy's} voice calling me thunder thighs at {girl's} pool party that year [highschool]. (by the way, he was NOT skinny, which makes me hate it even more.) that was the same year i became the the lightest i've ever been. and i'm still self-conscious about my legs. and i hate it. and i would probably do just about anything to make them go away. and i hate those skinny ass chicken legged models for their asian boy figures. but i'm working on that still. by the way, those wide-legged pants that were popular in 1998? my best friend that year. definitely.

funny how we pick ourselves apart, eh?

so here i am. my roommate's gone, so i went into the hall to see what kind of damage time has done to me. and it's not so bad. and i'm still working on accepting that i literally can't do much to change the way my body looks. my knees are too bad to engage in anything that involves impact. no running or jogging or hiking or chronic dancing or aerobics. and i'm working on that acceptance and trying not to pick myself apart. because if i start there and let that continue, it'll keep going. and eventually, i'll starve myself again. and we don't need that. it didn't work out all that well last time.

and the fact is, i just haven't felt attractive in a long while, and that's pretty painful. so. sometimes it feels like when i get settled and satisfied in one area, another part of me falls apart. and i guess it's a good thing that i've been dealing with this so long... and i know it will go away. eventually.

which is why i'm wearing some pretty skimpy lingerie sitting at home alone watching VH1. i figured i'd attempt to give myself a boost.

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