�

03 April, 2006 - 8:59 p.m.
fifth update

March 26

i'm having issues with boundaries in several areas of my life. and it's really bugging me. or else i wouldn't have brought it up.

i'm really tired of people (friends, acquaintances) dumping other people's problems on me. as i stated earlier today, i really don't care if people i don't even know are having issues. if my friend is having a problem, that's one thing. but i don't give a shit about other people's drama. and i'm not listening to it any more.

there's a difference between telling me about what's going on in your own life and continually complaining about your life. there's a difference between filling me in on all the new info and bringing drama. think about it. if i say, "drama" and give you the "talk to the hand" gesture, please note that i'm not listening to what you're saying. it's distressing to me. it brings a lot of unneeded tension into my life. i listen to people all day with genuine problems, and the insincerity of drama is distinguished that much more. i just can't do it.

similarly, other people's mental health is not my responsibility. when i'm at work, i do what i do. when i'm home, i'm a friend. friends are good to vent to (both happy and sad). friends are good for listening and giving opinions and advice (which i can't do at work). it's not my job to make sure that other people's problems get solved. is it my problem? no? i'm not dealing with it.

my sister told me i should call my mom because she wasn't having a good day. i told her that i'm 26 years old and that i talked to my mother three times in the past two days and that no one i know at my age does that. and that my mother needs to call a friend or see a therapist because her mental health is not my problem. it's been put on my my whole life... her mental wellbeing was always my job... to serve as that buffer between her manic depressive cycles and to settle her back down to normal. and it's distressing to me, because my reality has always been distorted through her eyes. because there are all kinds of fucked up ways that bipolar people act and i grew up thinking they were normal, and which therefore ostracized me from my peers in school.

i don't think it's ok for my mother to call me and tell me all of her marital problems. i don't think it's normal for someone to know all about their mother's sex life. i don't think it's ok for my mom to try to give me toy sex dice for valentines day. that's wrong and creepy and wrong. i don't want to chat like we're friends about all kinds of shit and then get dumped on when her mood cycles back through. it's not my job.

i told my sister that my mother needs to get a friend or call a shrink, and that i know it sounds mean to her (at age 17), but she hasn't been me, and i protected her for all those years, too. and i'm done. i can only be responsible for my own feelings, these days. i can only control myself, not anyone else. and when others consistently ignore completely sound advice and continue to repeat patterns and then USE me over and over and over again to stabilize themselves... well... i'm done. i'm not in charge of her emotions any more. she is. and it may rock her world, and it may completely destroy that beehive, but it's what i have to do to keep my own sanity.

i will no longer be giving advice to people about other people. i will give advice once to a friend on a topic, and then keep my mouth shut. because i'm tired of playing cassandra. and i'm tired of always being the one who loses.

i'm done. boundaries are a healthy part of your personality. some people's are weak. some people's are overly strong. i'm just trying to find a happy medium.

previous - next