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30 May, 2006 - 10:05 p.m.
playing catch-up, part 7

when i have periods of stress in my life, i tend to pull myself inward. i only have so much energy to try to get others to respond in ways that may help me. when i start to internalize myself, i sometimes start to repeat negative patterns from my life that i have been able to overcome when my stress level is normal.

case in point: whenever i reach out to others when i'm going through some heavy shit, and they don't answer their phone, i feel a compusion to redial and hang up until they answer, as if somehow that will make them want to talk to me. (50 missed calls?) to combat this, i set myself time limits. it may be that i can't call them for an hour, or two, or three. and i tell myself that it will be ok to try them back after that amount of time.

when they don't answer, i may start to have seriously intrusive thoughts that blame them not answering their phone on something related to me. Like they're mad at me. or they're out with another girl. or that they're avoiding me. or that they don't like me any more... and it goes on down the line with increasing self-degredation and increasing desparation.

and i fight this. when i feel alright, i don't have any problem with this at all. but when i start to get stressed... it's all downhill, and it's everything i can do to fight with myself from repeating the patterns from my adolescence. sometimes i have to do things to get myself out of the internal mode... and sometimes they're not the best or the most responsible, but i do what i have to do

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