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12 May, 2005 - 12:22 a.m.
a recap

I just got in from the bar. I know. I drink too much. I smoke too much. But I really can't see how doing this on my weeks off before my internship will hurt me.

I met H2 and T out. This guy Matthew we met the other night borrowed my copy of one of Courtney Love's biographies. It's a pretty good read, and it gives a lot of insight into her drama. The book helped me reconcile myself to the things she did when she was married to Kurt, but it does not provide her with forgiveness for the things she's done since his death. Namely, it does not excuse her poor parenting. I worry about Francis Bean.

We had a pretty good time. The girls kept putting money into the jukebox. If I have to hear that Mr. Bigg song "the next to be with you" (or whatever it's called) one more time, I will strangle H2. Not really. But it is kind of funny to watch her sing along to it and dancing in her chair. We all sang along to "more than words" (extreme), and now I need to make a copy of my Let It Rock 1992 cd for them. That cd brings back college memories, when my roommates and I would drive around singing along to all the crazy music from back in the day. hee. "Winds of change" is on that cd, too. We used to rock out to that one.

I don't really regret the dissolution of my college friendships. In the end, they treated me pretty shittily. I lived in the dining room for a month so that their new roommate could move into my old bedroom and they were just rude to me. It's not like I didn't give them notice or anything. They had four months' notice. Could I move out before graduation? No. I had nowhere else to go at the time. All my step-siblings were at my dad's and mom had turned my bedroom in to an office. I even paid a whole months' rent and lived there for 8 days that month. And I never got my rent deposit back. Whatever. I think it all went downhill when we discussed getting cable and no one else wanted to pay for it, so I only had it installed in my room. *shrug* I do have a lot of good memories from those days, though.

This is sort of a recap of what you missed from the other diary. The first year or so of grad school was barren. I broke up with my boyfriend a week after I moved here. I started seeing one guy and then another (when the first guy's roommate told everybody all about the first guy's relationship with me). The second guy was also a very nice guy, but I couldn't see myself winding up with him. Too "salt of the earth". Both were great guys. It just wouldn't work for me to be with a guy whose plans for life were so different from mine. And then I flew L here to hang out and have a break from his crappy, crappy life, and I've since wound up with him. He moved here fourteen months ago and things are great. A thousand miles! I am worth moving a thousand miles! Flattery will get you everywhere, my dear.

Things are good. L's education, intelligence, and tastes in entertainment are close to mine. We have a lot of fun together just sitting on the couch watching tv. Things are good. No plans for marriage, though we've been together for a year and a half. That's just not a place I want to be any time soon. I know I'm special and I know he cares. Good enough for now. I'm just trying to get through my degree and get a job and then I'll make more concrete plans for myself.

My grades have come in. Three As and a B this semester. I'd be upset about the B, but I really worked my ass off for it. I was excited about getting a 79 on an exam, and those of you who know how hard I work and how picky I am about what I do know that I wouldn't be happy with a B. But it's ok. My gpa is still a 3.833. Good enough for an honors diploma and that's good enough for me.

I moved here and was unemployed until a friend IMed me and asked if I was still looking for a job. I worked at a calendar store and tutored and cleaned houses my first semester. The job ended in February and I wound up on food stamps, and then wound up working at a large-scale hardware store and tutoring. You can tell by what I've said that I didn't have any sort of social life. I was too busy working and I would occasionally hang out with T. In December, I was given a job on campus, like a professor's assistant. It paid twice what I had been making, so I did that all this spring. I'll do that again in the fall, but I'm unemployed for the summer. Hopefully, my loans will be enough to cover my expenses while I'm doing my internship.

This past semester rocked my socks off. I was able to get out of the house and do things on the weekends and at night. I'm making up for lost time. I did find out who my real friends are. That was a lesson earned with tears. But I am better off haning out with people I can trust not to publicize my personal information. Can't you see that I will publicize my OWN personal information? I am not going to be the subject of gossip, especially when it's mean and untrue. I've been hanging out with T and H2 mostly. Too bad L can't drink (meds) or he would go out with us more often. I'm hoping that the guys we met the other night will wind up being as cool as they seem, so I can bring them home and they can play videogames with my boyfriend. That would be awesome. He could do guy stuff.

I think that I made a fatal error tonight. I may be forced to sing "more than words" at karaoke next time we go out. D'oh.

11 May, 2005 - 5:36 p.m.
great books are always relevant

It feels nice to breathe freely again. I have another diaryland diary, but I've been feeling paranoid about who in my family may be reading it based on my stats tracker results. I've been planning a fresh start for a while anyway. Three years in one place is too long. I promise to design a better backdrop, but right now I don't have the time. I came to diaryland three years ago to find my voice. Now that I've found it, I want it to grow.

I am reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. This must be the second or third time that I've read it, but I think that it's the first time that I've actually understood it. The other times that I read it, I focused on the romances and relationships between characters and took it at face value as a novel. This time, I've been reading it from my current position. A little about me, which will make my perspective a little more clear...

I am a graduate student at a small southeastern university. I grew up in this area as well as in the northeast, so I have a wierd perspective of both places. My undergraduate degree is psychology, my masters (which I'll get in December) will be in counseling. I love what I do. I am finished with my coursework and will start my internship in 12 days. After that, I just need to finish my thesis and not trip during my walk across the big stage.

As I read The Unbearable Lightness of Being this time around, I really am seeing the characters in a different light. It gives me joy to do so. I'm understanding more about the socio-political context and seeing the characters with more depth. Previous readings have made me hate Franz and Tomas, but I see them with more sympathy today. My adolescent and college romances were filled with guys cheating on me and, for that, I'd hated them. Obligation is a supreme heaviness sometimes. I feel for Franz and Tomas today. They are saddled with obligation and misunderstanding.

It struck me how the politics of the Russian/Czech situation discussed in the book really are relevant today in America. I say this as a Liberal, so if you happen to be a Conservative, go back to covering your eyes like you have been for the past 5 years. The book says, "Anyone who thinks that the Communist regimes of Central Europe are exclusively the work of criminals is overlooking a basic truth: the criminal regimes were not made by criminals but by enthusiasts convinced they had discovered the only road to paradise. They defended that road so valiantly that they were forced to execture many people. Later it became clear that there was no paradise, that the enthusiasts were therefore murderers." The author then discusses the blaming of the enthusiasts, who protest that they did not know what was going on, and the issue lies that "whether they knew or didn't know is not the main issue; the main issue is wheteher a man is innocent because he didn't know. Is a fool on the throne relieved of all responsibility merely because he is a fool?"

I am still a hundred pages from the end, because I'm reading far more slowly than my usual pace. There is so much to take in! This is why I read the same books over and over again. And I thank C for recommending the book to me, six years ago. Remind me to fill you in on my perspective in another six years.

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