�

01 July, 2005 - 5:19 p.m.
some other time last week...

The book on relationship addiction states, "If your current relationship is making you unhappy much more than it is making you happy, and if you have done as much as you feel you can do to make it better, then you may have to choose between the chronic depression of staying or the frightening depression of leaving." Later on, it states, "Anxiety feels horrible, it is often a growing pain." Oh. Thank god. Does that mean I have a growth disorder?

there was a part where it talks about seeking relationships that allow you to fill a role you've played in other parts of your life. For me, it's mostly a helper/nurturer role. Like I always felt that my mom was dependent on me to smooth out life's wrinkes and solve problems because she couldn't handle them. Now I do that in my relationships. it fills a comfortable role, one I have a career in performing. Only the career is a little bit different. It talks about being a magnet for guys who use people like me and how I explain (lie) to myself what their behavior means. Basically, I delude myself into believing that their behavior is ok, even when it makes me unhappy. Until I get fed up with the constant drain on my resources. I guess the good part is that it gives me hope by saying essentially that "knowledge is power" and that once we are aware of our tendencies, we can work to change them. Thank god for that.

01 July, 2005 - 5:13 p.m.
sometime last week...

My concept of hell, an effective hell, is one that requires you to fully realize and understand how we have hurt other people. This would, of course, require that you develop empathy and compassion for others, which will be more difficult for some folks. I think that understanding the depths of self-caused hurt can be a great learning tool, though a painful one. Maybe I'm just sensitive. I often wish that everyone was as sensitive as I am. I also think that woul make the world a better place. But that's vanity for you.

I have a note in my pocket that says "you are not responsible for rejection. Other people are responsible for their own thoughts and feelings." Let's see if that helps.

I have discovered that I can reconcile myself to inactivity if I don't think of it as slacking off. If I think of it in terms of focusing 100% on my here and now experience, I feel productive rather than lazy. I just need to remember to think about experience, not action.

Right now, I'm working on appreciating the time I have alone rather than feeling lonely. I've felt somewhat less stressed since L got his car back. I've gone through and reassessed my support network and (when they're in town) my fients have been great about getting me out of the house. Let's play Distraction, shall we?

I've been feeling really run down this week, and I don't know if it's because I've been staying up to watch Adult Swim on the cartoon network, if I'm overextending myself or if I'm just emotionally worn out. Maybe some combination of the three. I've actually started eating healthier foods. Maybe I'll start exercising or something, too. I'm tying to spend a little time in the sun every day (you know, sunlight affecting the mood and all that) and I'm trying to enjoy and appreciate the mundane things in my life.

20 June, 2005 - 11:59 p.m.
stole this from Bonk

1. My uncle once:
   spent six months in a drug and alcohol rehab facility.

2. Never in my life:
   Have I cheated on anyone.

3. When I was five:
   I won the Today's Little Dream pageant.

4. High School was:
   not as bad as it could have been. I had some great friends.

5. I will never forget:
   how much my mom has sacrificed for us.

6. I once met:
   Scott Gomez, Dave Pirner

7. There�s this girl I know who:
   has three kids and only one leg. She's my stepsister.

8. Once, at a bar:
   I actually met a nice guy.

9. By noon I�m usually:
   Halfway through typing up an assessment.

10. Last night:
    I went to a BBQ at a friend's house, helped another friend figure out how to confront the guy that we think is cheating on her, and met a friend's puppy.

11. If I only had:
    space.

12. Next time I go to church:
    Christmas??

13. Terry Schiavo:
    would be pissed off about being put on national display looking like that. Eating disorder. Vanity.

14. What worries me most:
    Rejection. Failure.

15. When I turn my head left, I see:
    L's suitcase standing in front of his closet door.

16. When I turn my head right, I see:
    My dresser, my filing cabinet, and my computer tower.

17. You know I�m lying when:
    I can't look you in the eye.

18. What I miss most about the eighties:
    the music.

19. If I were a character written by Shakespeare, I�d be:
    a tragic heroine

20. By this time next year:
    I'll have my Master's, and a job.

21. A better name for me would be:
    I always wanted a name that could be shortened to a name that is associated with the other gender. Like Jospehine. Then you could call me Joey. Or something to that effect.

22. I have a hard time understanding:
    people who have no empathy

23. If I ever go back to school I�ll:
    have at least been accepted into a PhD program.

24. You know I like you if:
    I call you.

25. If I won an award, the first person I�d thank would be:
    my grandmother and my godmother.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro:
    Mostly wrong, except from a biological standpoint. Musician. Two people I'm not familiar with.

27. Take my advice, never:
    give your heart away using your body.

28. My ideal breakfast is:
    two eggs over medium, two pieces of lightly toasted bread, and three slices of turkey bacon.

29. A song I love, but do not have is:
    Toxic by Britney Spears.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest:
    staying away from the military guys. I've tried, but they're wearing me down.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars:
    daffodils, self-deprecation and low self esteem, 200 gig hard drive, people who are running from something.

32. Why won�t people:
    have compassion?

33. If you spend the night at my house:
    plan on getting laid. Trust me, I'm easy. (lol.)

34. I�d stop my wedding for:
    a funeral or something. Then again, I'm not really planning on getting married.

35. The world could do without:
    intolerance

36. I�d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:
    give up.

37. My favorite blonde is:
    Kurt Cobain.

38. Paper clips are more useful than:
    a lost set of car keys

39. If I do anything well, it�s:
    believe in others.

40. And by the way:
    it's too late for this shit.

20 June, 2005 - 11:36 p.m.
getting to the heart of it

I just read that sex is a form of reciprocal altruism. Isn't that an oxymoron? I thought that altruism is about giving without expectation of receiving. Hrm. Maybe it's like having sex with your partner when you're not really in the mood and you know it won't get you off. Whatever. What about those who use sex to gain things or to influence people?

Doing things for others gives us something in terms of secondary gain: pride, regard from others, etc. So what is altruism, really?

I noticed a pattern yesterday. You know my obsession with patterns. I date what seem like perfectly capable guys and the wind up taking advantage of my willingness to nurture them. I am wondering if I overpower people with my desire to do things for them and if I'm responsible for them sucking me dry. I am wondering about my internal motivation for helping others. Am I buying people's regard with favors? I know already that I am a perfectionist, that I am afraid of failure, and that I fear being rejected. Do I take care of others so that they will need me around? So that I will not be rejected and, hense, fail?

We teach our patients about boundaries and responsibility. You are responsible for your actions and your feelings. No one can make you do anything that you choose not to do. In essence, I need to keep reminding myself that I do not have control of the people I date and that I can not be responsible for them accepting or rejecting me and/or any gifts or services that I provide. I need to remember that rejection is not failure on my part. I need to remember that I am not responsible for other people taking and taking from me.

I am not responsible only for my persistant giving and nurturing. I need to reinforce that boundary. I am not responsible for the feelings of other people. However, I cannot say that I've ever met anyone who is not addicted to positive regard. It feels good to have people like you. It feels good to experience the gratitude of others. Hi. My name is K, and I'm a positive regard junkie.

Memo to self: your hair looks great today. And you are not responsible for other people. *heart* me.

I know where the need for approval came from. It came from years of being told that I'm not intelligent, that I can't succeed, that I would fail, that I shouldn't pursue my dreams, that I should stick to the family pattern of having babies and getting married before my 20th birthday, that that's all I'm good for.

My counselor pointed out to me that I shouldn't be afraid of making some of the mistakes that I fear. I'm already 25 and I've already broken the pattern and I've already proven beyone everyone's doubts that I am intelligent, that I can succeed, and that I am capable of pursuing my dreams. I've made it this far, haven't I?

So many years of being outcast (not OutKast) from even the most basic family group. of feeling always like a statistical outlier. Of wanting to feel like a part of something.

Being different is lonely.

15 June, 2005 - 11:22 p.m.
introspection

I've been writing to process my reading. Unfortunately, writing it in a notebook does not mean it winds up online in a timely fashion. Anyway, here is an entry I wrote while I was reading at the internship.

The apparente trick is to lean how not to suffer. I think the best I can do is to suffer with grace. If desire causes suffering, maybe I can learn to desire with grace too.

p 31, headed "sorry, humiliation, pain, & death". The first line of the paragraph says "that's a cheerful heading, isn't it?" hah.

Circumstances of acquiring pain often dictate how you deal with it. The book uses an example of getting an injury while begrudgingly helping someone out versus getting the same injury playing a sport that you enjoy. Maybe the way to change how you deal with it is to reframe the circumstances. Epictetus said "It is not events that disturb the minds of men, but the view they take of them." How true.

Book references REBT (Albert Ellis) and his concept of musterbation. We feel like we MUST do this or be this way or accomplish this. Nothing in the world will really happen to us. The only things we must do are eat, sleep, etc. And even then, we have a choice.

"this is not a game. this is for keeps. you must not fail." This is the voice in my head that haunts me. Maybe the key to happiness (and not suffering) is to treat life as an inconsequential game. As if we're just passing time around the earth because it doesn't really matter. As if my life is no more valuable or worthwhile than anyone else's. That thought took me by surprise. It is strange for someone who constantly strives for improvement (because she knows she could be a better person, a better therapist, etc.) to consider her life to be worth more than someone else's. Why am I so full of pride that I think my life is worth improving? That this little life means any more or will have more influence than anyone else's? Is it the capacity in which I work? Is it that I believe that my mode of employment has a valuable effect on people?

And I think, "how can it not?" It's my job to subtle influence people so that their life changes for the better (and it's their job to decide if they want to be helped). Is the nature of psychology really so vain? Vanity disturbs me. It seems that I am back to my obsession with purity. I used to ache for purity of heart, and from that I learned altruism (insert questions about secondary gain here), giving, honesty....I have not told a lie in about five years. Well... one. I lied to my family about who L lost his job in March. Maybe I've stopped lying to others and started lying to myself instead.

I desire to do everythin with a whole heart. I think part of my issue with anxiety is that I feel like I have to get better at what I do, that I can't do anything halfway (half-assed)....I don't know what I'd do if I let myself slack off, even just a little bit.

Why am I so afraid of failure? Am I more afraid to fail as a person or as a professional? Is it the same thing? Am I afraid of disappointing others or myself? Am I still playing "hero" in my dysfunctional family? Has if become about me yet? I don't have the answer to those questions just yet.

I would, however, agree that much of my suffering has to do with greed... or maybe not, as I read a passage about spiritual longing (including the desire to know if my life will have a lasting significance). I wish I could do something completely selfless.

14 June, 2005 - 8:41 p.m.
Relevence

Everything I've read lately seems to be mirroring my life. But you can find an elephant anywhere if you really want to see one.

I started reading How to break your addiction to a person by Howard M. Halpern, Ph.D. It's about getting out of the habit of staying in relationships even when you know it is in your best interest to leave. I was reading a book about depression that talked about choosing how you feel. There exists (outside your own heart) no emotion. There is only environment. When you filter the environment through your thoughts, you choose how you interpret it. Therefore, you can choose not to feel certain ways about certain things. And I'm also reading How to want what you have by Timothy Miller, Ph.D. It's about wanting what you have (in terms of yourself and your life, etc.) rather than being unhappy. I'm also reading a packet of materials about interpersonal boundaries and the walls (or lack thereof) we build between ourselves and others.

Oh. And Nicholas Hornby wrote a new book, which I must have. It's called The Long Way Down and I've heard really good things. It's about suicide, to put it briefly. I love his writing. Thank you again for High Fidelity, and thanks to the movie gods for putting John Cusack in the film version. The book is better, though. (I know. Blasphemy.)

I've been experiencing a lot of psychosomatic pains lately. My chest and stomache have been hurting for a couple of months, trying to get my attention to tell me I'm unhappy. Heart palpitations and feeling like my chest is caving in slowly. Earth to me. Come in.

I was wondering something as I'm reading the book on person addiction....I understand that it was written in 1982 and that, psychologically, it's a bit behind the times where theory is concerned....Am I making up for my childhood with my need to be touched and to be close to others? Is there something I'm missing? I need that face-to-face closeness so badly sometimes. But then I remember that I tear myself apart every time I read a psychology book. (Oh my god! Is that ME?) We all have small aspects of all disorders within us. The human mind is a continuum. Besides... this book promises me, "this book provides the support you need". Two hundred pages later, it tells me I will also need a support network. It lied to me from the beginning!

I keep trying to remember that I was successful and confident even before we got together and that I can still be that woman without him. And why does this book keep blaming the parents? Leave my childhood out of it. It keeps saying that the father's job is to facilitate differentiation of the infant's psyche from the mother. (In english: when a baby is born, it does not know it is different from mom. It learns that over the first few months. The book says that dad is there to help the baby learn that it is separate and has other options for comfort.) WTF?

It does recommend that you write yourself memos while you're thinking rationally so that when you are weak or upset, you have words of wisdom from your own mind. Like, "Girl, you're better than this. Don't call him. You know he'll just hurt you again." Or, "You've had this conversation a hundred times by now. Be strong. Don't take him back." I thought that was a pretty good idea, though cheesy.

And Sweet Jesus, it's talking about feeling like you don't exist. Those of you who knew me in my previous incarnation know I talked a lot about that. Feeling like I'm walking around screaming and no one can hear me. I'm broadcasting on all channels with the volume up and no one cares. A lot of that was related to the bitches from school. But that's drama and that's in the past. Occasionally, though, I wonder if I exist. I'm not sure if I mean that philosophically or literally sometimes. And maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I don't exist. *grin*

A little clarification: The book is talking about people who don't feel like they exist unless they're in love or in a relationship. People who need validation from another person just to be worth something. My personal metaphor has nothing to do with love. It has to do with the way that people in my life treat me. Like it doesn't matter what comes out of my mouth, none of it will make a damn bit of difference. Anyway, my metaphor is that I'm a radio that's between stations. If people would care enough to tune in, it would be fine. But whatever. Maybe I do need validation.

Maybe I need to stop reading psych books. Ready for some 123s? First one is from the wanting what you have book and the second one is from the person addiction book.

"As the song goes, 'There but for fortune go you and I.'" When I'm walking the ward and checking out what's going on with our patients, I think that sometimes. There but for the grace of god go I. Give me a year or two of different experience. Remove the positive influences from my life. That could be me.

I thought this one was way too relevent, "If you are the martyred guilt provoker, you should focus on how you are using guilt to control your partnere and be aware of the destructive effect of this technique on each of you." This one, I believe, does not need to be interpreted.

previous - next