�

28 July, 2005 - 11:11 p.m.
In hockey news,

Ah. Progress. One down. One more to go. Bettman, you're next.

I added this later than the previous link, but it fits here. The idiots guide to the NHL lockout. Enjoy.

28 July, 2005 - 5:49 p.m.
this kind of fucking day

OOOOH. I am so pissed off right now. I got an email from the cell phone company telling me to verify that the changes to my account are correct, so I logged in and looked at it. To my surprise, L's phone is still on my account. STILL. After we went down there on JUNE EIGHTEENTH and filled out the paperwork and the chick assured us that it would be taken care of within three days. The following Tuesday or Wednesday, we called and were told that it was done. At the time of the paper-signing, we each decided on our rate plans and I told the girl to make absofulkinglutely sure that I had text messages (the 200 message for $4.99 package) because I had been screwed by text message charges before. Nope. This bill shows over $40 in texting. SON OF A BITCH. So not only did she not split the account, she did not put text messages on my account. I am furious. And the shitty retail location where she works (at an "authorized dealer" location)... the employees all keep track of their own little accounts. She's not at work today. Her coworker cannot access her files. They're locked up. WHAT THE FUCK? How does that even make sense? You mean to tell me that I am supposed to only have service when she is working?? Hell no. I worked at an authorized retailer for this SAME COMPANY and we had access to everyone's stuff, because customers need to be helped every single damn day, not just when I'm working. Motherfuckers.

She's working tomorrow. And you KNOW I'm going down there. Bitch, please.

27 July, 2005 - 10:45 p.m.
maybe some of it's true

Your mission, should you choose to accept it :Pick your birth month from this web site and cross (strike) out what doesn�t apply to you.

MARCH:
Attractive personality. sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

yeah. i should change that hasty decisions in choosing partners thing. maybe be single for more than a week at a time. but whatever. i'm working on it.

27 July, 2005 - 8:28 p.m.
I felt this deserved an entire entry.

Now, THAT'S what I'm talking about. Mama likes.

27 July, 2005 - 5:44 p.m.
life, the universe, and everything.

Rough day at the internship today. Whew. Anyway, it was pretty busy. I haven't had much time for an update, but I did write some in my notebook, so here goes.

"Psychoanalytic psychotherapy tends to lead to experiences that reenact earlier and more formative emotional relationships so that the person's history an be, in effect, reconstructed." Which is true. However, I don't really work from a psychoanalytic lay-down-on-the-couch-and-tell-me-about-your-childhood perspective. I don't try to have patients recreate their problems with their parents in my relationship with them. But whatever. The quote continues. "Buddhist meditation tends to intensivy certain ego functions so that the sense of self is at once magnified and deconstructed." Meaning that the self is not differentiated from the body. There is no self, no "you". Anyway... the quote stood out to me because of certain previous incarnations.

My first webpage, way back in the 11th grade (8 or 9 years ago) was called "systematic deconstruction" and contained a bunch of writings in which I pulled apart the experiences that were keeping me down. Talking about abuse and relationships and all that jazz. I worked on that for a few years until I realized I'd outgrown the theme. At that point (freshman or sophomore year of college), I redesigned the page and it was called "systematic reconstruction". I sort of worked on that for a while and got distracted by writing really sincere crappy poetry. I put those on the internet, too. I have them all collectively stored in one place now so I can go back and revisit where I've been in life. It's comforting sometimes to go back and see where I've been so I can recognize how far I've come since then.

I've gotten rid of two angelfire pages, one blog, and two geocities pages. This is the only place that I update now.

I spoke to a very dear friend last night (written a few days ago) for the first time in over a year. It's little things like hearing a friend's voice and realizing that nothing's really changed... those are the things that make me happy. I've changed, as I'm sure he has too, but we're still on the same page. I was unable to properly voice what's been going on in my head, when I really wanted to say something like "Life doesn't stop. It always continues." and "People shouldn't stop either." My issue with L is that he stopped and I didn't, but it didn't come out right. I think that when I stop developing and changing, I'll want to kill myself. What's the point if there's no hope for progress, if nothing ever changes? I guess that's why I'm always working on myself I don't know. I just can't handle the thought of my faults always remaining the same.

And that's where I stopped writing. But it's true. If I didn't think that change was necessary for a happy life, I wouldn't be involved in counseling. If people were doomed to always be happy or unhappy or unwell, why would I do what I do? I guess, in some ways, that makes me an optimist. I think I had a quote for that in a previous entry. But I digress. Hope. I am hopeful for the future. Probably for the first time in a long time. I was down and depressed and losing my motivation, but I see the silver lining. I see the light at the end of the tunnel (not a train). And I see that happiness and satisfaction are somewhere in the future.

And I'll repeat myself again... If you aren't happy, you probably aren't making the right decisions. If you make better choices, you will find that you are happy with life.

25 July, 2005 - 3:43 p.m.
-

She's right. This is cool.

24 July, 2005 - 3:37 p.m.
you're partied out, dude.

H2 and I went out last night with this group of guys and some people she knows from work (which is how she knew the group of guys). They're trying to fix her up with one of the guys, and I guess I was there to hang out with his roommate as well as just for the fun of going out. His roommate was really sweet and funny. I had this horrible time censoring my speech, though, and he called me on it. We'd gone to this junky little dive bar frequented by rednecks and folks in their 40s, and I kept thinking "oh. THAT'S a good look." when I saw older women wearing leopard print, etc, only it would come out of my mouth instead of staying in my head where it belongs. *snicker* Even when I was able to censor myself, he'd see this look on my face and tease me about it. I had a lot of fun.

We went to this shitty dance club. It's basically a couple of double-wide trailors pushed together with a bar and a dance floor. I had a fun time, except that somehow my cell phone is missing. I called SinGulAR and had them cancel my service temporarily and I arranged to have them ship me another one. Good thing I had insurance, right? I'm just pissed that I've lost all my numbers. I'll see who I have in my rolodex and PDA and I have my last phone bill, so I can call people and figure out what numbers are whose.

I am pretty beat from going out Friday and Saturday nights. I haven't even gotten dressed today. I love hanging out in my pajamas.

I did eharmony and match dot come profiles this week, out of curiosity. I apparently have one match within 300 miles. Sweet. I sort of did it as a bet, but I think it's pretty funny that my number is so low. Big fish in a little pond, yo.

23 July, 2005 - 3:17 a.m.
part four: the present.

"In the Buddhist view, a realized being has realized her own lack of true self." I wonder if this is supposed to be the enlightened realization or if my fumbling confusion will do. I'm still wondering if I exist.


"The glass is already broken." A parable about how you should appreciate things/people/relationships because their time is limited. Things are precious because they are transient. This has helped me a good deal in the past week or so.


I am. I am not. I have already ended. I have not yet begun.

Oh and to be current... this entry coincides with the posted date and time. FYI.


T and I finally got our wireless connection working and I have internet again. I've been doing a lot of thinking and sorting through the garbage in my mind this week. I had some confusion about a situation last week and I've resolved the issues surrounding that. It's funny that the alcoholics are right. Sometimes you have to accept things you cannot change. That's the key. The accepting is the hard part. I am done and my mind is quiet.


We went to see Cake play last night at this thing they have every week on the river downtown. I love going to see Cake. We do it, what, every year? I just get irritated (as you'll remember from my previous incarnation) with their primadonna antics, making the crowd sing over and over and over. Blah. Blah. Blah. I paid to see you entertain me. Not to sit there singing "sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell" over and over and over while you tell us we aren't singing loud enough. But they played Frank Sinatra and I will survive, so I'm cool.


I found some mix cds I'd made in college and listened to them in my car today. They're labeled "k-lo" as the artist and one of them is "movin on up" and the other one is "down". You can guess the tone of the cds from the names. I was riding and listening and thinking about how awesome these cds are and how fucking cool I am. It was a good moment. The first really good parts of a moderately depressing week. Snapped me right out of it.


And you know, as much as I question myself day in and day out and I probably will forever... There are some really awesome things about me. I'm not kidding, either.


Look. I've got my life on track for a professional career. I'm taking care of my business. I have great taste in music. I'm relatively intelligent (and modest). I'm not bad-looking. I mean, I could pull in some guys if I tried or if I really cared about meeting people. I just figure that right now isn't the best time for a relationship or commitment. I'm too busy for that shit. I'm smart enough to leave when I'm unhappy. I'm considerate enough to try to minimize the inevitable drama. I'm strong enough to be able to put myself back together again. And I'm sensitive enough to care about it in the first place.


I hate the process of dating and trying to find somebody that is the least bit compatible with me. I hate trying to impress them enough so that they'll want to see me again, and opening myself up for that rejection. I'm fucking tired of rejection. I'm fucking tired of trying and failing. And you know what? I'm just fucking tired by this point in time. Sleep.

23 July, 2005 - 3:01 a.m.
what is this? part three?

I'm reading a buddhist perspective on psychotherapy called "Thoughts without a thinker" by Mark Epstein. It'a awesome. You know I'll give you the recap...

"Emotional experiences that reveal themselves in therapy are often remnants, or traces, of the past. They tend to be echoes of whatever was sacrificed as a person stepped forward to cope with a difficult interpersonal environment." Brilliant. I love the idea that psychological disorders are sacrificial leftovers. Like the bombed out shell of a city. In regards to desire, it also says that the things you desire also give you pain. And I think that anyone who has been in tbe budding stages of a relationship recognizes that. The person who gives you the most satisfaction can also crush you completely.

"We are all engaged in a futile struggle to maintain ourselves in our own image." How. Fucking. Relevant. Half of my problem is questioning myself and my self-worth. I can't turn off that voice in my head that constantly asks me why I screwed up on this or that... it questions why I believe that what others say about me is or is not true. What is true? Like I have to justify myself to myself. It's that little voice that says I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, etc. I hate doubt. I specifically hate self-doubt. I hate knowing in my head that I've done my best, but feeling in my heart like I didn't try at all, and that my attempt was worthless.

I hate not knowing what to say out loud and having a million words to say it on paper. I hate being more connected to text than I am to my voice. I hate feeling like I need a backspace button so that I can clarify what I mean. I hate feeling like I need a "do-over" like this is kickball in the third grade. I hate being so secure in my professional identity and so insecure in my personal relationships. I hate feeling like I won't ever be worth anything to someone else and that I'm deluded in my attempts to mean something to others.

I'm reliving a state of mind that I thought I'd outgrown. I can't believe I let someone get to me so badly that I've questioned my own value. And I can't let it go right now. I am hoping that it will pass in a couple of days and that I don't have to relieve the years of work I've done on enhancing my self-esteem. It sort of knocked the wind out of me to discover how easy it was for him to find my vulnerability. "We are all touched by a growing sense of imperfection, insubstantiality, uncertainty, or unrest." Oh good. It's not just me. I tend to believe that there is a reason for things in your life. Like, I jsut got this book in the meain and reading it is easing my pain. I believe that the strength you need will come to you if you are cognizant enough to reach out for it.

23 July, 2005 - 2:54 a.m.
part two

Looks to me like "wanting what you have" (i.e compassion, attention, and gratitude) coincides with the higher levels of Kohlberg's moral development model. If you're acting in ways that promote the welfare of yourself and others, it's sometimes ok to violate laws and social norms that cause oppression. It seems also that CA&G go along with Adlerian psychology-- challenging why people feel they "must" have more.

Also, this book says that I'm an optimist. Hah! Basically, it says that pessimists don't believe that their problems can be solved and that their problems occur due to failure or flaw. Optimists believe in solutions, self-improvement, and that things can change. I always considered myself to be an optimistic pessimist: I try to see the bright side of the dark side. I mean, I know that life sucks for everybody in some way or another, but you might as well do what you can to make the best of it. Like we tell the adolescents we treat, if you are unhappy, you probably are experiencing the results of poor decision-making. Make better choices and you will be happier.

I've been thinking a lot about my grandmother this week. I've realized that I haven't processed a lot of my grief. At the time, I was jsut trying to make it through day by day, but other than crying when she died right in front of me, I really haven't grieved. The book talks a bit about grieving and changing pain into gratitude that the person lived in the first place. I'm working on it. It's hard not to be thankful she lived, as she's a direct ancestor. And I wouldn't be here if she wasn't born. But I miss her at the oddest times. Mostly, every day at sunset.

Non-limerant attachments (i.e. dating relationships where you're not infatuated with the person) are essentially behavior problems. My behavior is being with this person, so I should change it. Habit and comfortability should not be the basis of a relationship.

23 July, 2005 - 2:40 a.m.
part one of the no internet saga

And the first of several hand-written "I have no internet" entries commences...

I didn'twrite about the Extreme Home Makeover thing that came to town a week or so (at the time of writing, not the time of posting). All the town was a-buzz with "Have you seen Ty?" Yes. Yes, I have. We went down to the middle school close to the building site where they had busses taking spectators back and forth to the site. So we did that. Stood in teh sun for about 30 or 45 minutes. No Ty. He was off at the army base doing the obstacle course. So we left. Went for a drink at the usual place, which is a restaurant with a bar upstairs that opens at 9 pm... got there ten minutes early and waited outside. Who pulls up in an SUV as we sit there? You got it. T and I pretended like we weren't interested and immediately pulled out our cell phones after the door shut behind him. That's our second celebrity encounter together, the first being the time we had dinner with Gunnar Nelson (who was hanging out with some of my friends who are in a band). Gunnar was pretty nice and his girlfriend was too hot to not be airbrushed.

Anyway, the holiday weekend was ok. Took Friday, Monday, and Tuesday off. Got stuff done at home. Woeked out some of the kinks in the moving out situation. T, by the way, has moved in and L will be out sometime this week. I'm doing my best not to be hostile and to keep a cordial spirit, but it is really difficult to do so at times. It's a difficult situation for all involved and I can understand where a certain amount of crankiness comes into the picture.

That doesn't mean I deal with it in the best of ways, but I'm trying. I've been having full-blown anxiety attacks, which I haven't had for a number of years. But I'm doing my best to remain civil. There's no reason why it has to be any uglier or shitty than necessary. Doesn't mean it won't go there. I'm just trying my damndest not to let it. I've been getting out of the house as much as possible. I've been smoking and drinking far too mucn. I've been doing yoga and pilates to destress. I'm trying to apply all thsoe skills I try to teach my clients, cause- let me tell you- they don't come naturally. No matter how much I know that my reactions arent' he most constructive, that doesn't mean I change them in the moment. But I'm trying. I really am. And it's sucking the life out of me. The whole situation is, I mean, I'm drinking to go to sleep again. Something I haven'd done since C and I broke up in college. I don't want to go back to that place. Which is why I have to be so firm with L when it comes to a move-out date. I don't knwo how long it will take me to put the pieces back together, but I'll get through this. I've got no oher choice. Life's a bitch, yo. But it does go on.

Money's been really tight these last few weeks, but I'm scraping by. I need to check with my parents and see if they can help me with some groceries, even if it's just taking things out of their cabinets. But I've got to get some help with that or I'm not going to make it. We'll see.

I watched the New York fireworks display on tv at 3 am the other day and got weepy. Stupid stress. I miss my family and there's nothing like that skyline to rub it in. Btw, I huing out with T and her boyfriend and ate some food they grilled. It was pretty decent vegetarian grill. I had a good time.

And the book (the relationships one) calls me on my game. I'm so afraid of rejection that I make myself indespensible so that the other person can't leave. It suggests that I ask myself "Is 'being of service' all I have to offer?" No. No it isn't. And I accept that I have had a role in making guys dependent on me. What I need is someone who is strong enough to say NO and turn down my offers to help every once in a while. That would be great. A guy that I can't make bend to my will. I think a lot of that does stem from previous relationships in which I was cheated on or called worthless. I'm going to have to leave myself another memo: You're worth being with, even when you do nothing.

22 July, 2005 - 7:27 p.m.
not for long

I've been offline for almost three weeks! T and I got cable internet, but it went wierd and didn't work while she was out of town. She's back. It's working. And we got the wireless connection thingie working. Thank god. I was getting antsy. Anyway, I'm back. so.

This entry won't be long because it's Friday and I have plans. Brief update. L is out. T is in. House is rearranged. Life is rearranged. Internship is awesome. Almost halfway done. And I have CABLE internet. Sweet.

previous - next