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07 August, 2005 - 11:30 p.m.
oh, you.... !

A friend that I've had for ten years online said the following:
"You know, when I met you, you were a post pubescent, angst-ridden, knobby kneed teen holding a Strat."
"I'm not sure which of those was your most endearing quality."

Hah! I basically replied that I was now a mid-twenties angst-ridden individual holding a strat. with a Masters degree. not much has changed. lol.

07 August, 2005 - 11:20 p.m.
found in the attic:

I went to see my family today. Mentioned to my pops that I thought I might have an oil leak, so he felt useful... checked my oil and put more in. Added coolant. Changed my wiper blades. Checked the air pressure in my tires, but we realized that whoever put my plastic hubcaps on last time put them over the valve stem, so we jacked up the car. I felt like I had my very own pit crew. heh. We jacked the car up so high that it was balanced on one wheel. hee.

The I went to see the mom. We took my bro back to his place way out in the country. It was a dump. Mom and I picked up my little sister and went to buy stuff for dinner. I actually got to eat real food! Porkchops, pieroguis, and corn on the cob. Oh my god. My stomache must be confused, what with the not-ramen in my belly.

I went into the attic to go through some of my stuff and I found some sweatshirts from, like, softball 1991 and baton-twirling 1992. Heh. Brought them back with me. They still fit. I also picked up some of my nursing scrubs pants so that I can have something else to sleep in.

I also found a binder full of notes from my high school boyfriend and I was looking through them. It made me smile. I found all these references to February 14, 2005, and was like, what the hell? And then I found a note asking me to marry him on that date. Lol. They're so sweet. I remember back then feeling that way, like it would be forever and feeling sooooo in looooove. I'm reading them and blushing. I found the note where he asked me out. IN A NOTE!!. hee! Anyway, I brought them back with me and I'm going to read through them. He was such a sweet guy. I'll let you know what sort of goodies I find.

07 August, 2005 - 12:24 p.m.
An open letter...

Look, I don't know when you'll be back from Montana or wherever you were or are, but it's been almost a month since we actually talked. If you're blowing me off, let me know, because that's the conclusion I've drawn all on my own anyway. It's a shame because I really liked hanging out with you. And I really liked you, too. I've come up with a million excuses for you to not contact me, like maybe there was a family emergency or maybe there's shit going on at work... but it all boils down to my chronic pattern of making excuses for people so that I don't have to draw an negative conclusion about them. I've done my best to frame you in a positive light, but you just aren't responding to me and I have yet to come up with a real reason why. Sure, it would be nice if we actually did talk when you get/got back. Sure it would be nice if you'd called me when you said you would. But it has been three weeks since I heard your voice. And I've come to the point where I'm done making excuses for you. You can't just put me on hold like that.

I'm fine with my state of being single. That's cool. It's not like you were ever my boyfriend anyway. And it's not that we'd ever made any sort of commitment. But we'd established a pattern of socialization and communication that suddenly dropped. And I'm left wondering why. It's been eating me from the inside. I'm watching you from here in my head and trying to figure out what is going on. Just let me know, ok?

06 August, 2005 - 11:58 p.m.
hrmmm.

I thought this was interesting. I signed up at EH@rmony on a bet, and my personality profile is interesting and sort of scary.

1. You have a strong sense of humor. You usually know when to lighten a difficult situation, amuse and entertain people.
2. You have a strong feeling of optimism, considered favorably by most people around you. Your perception is that the bottle is half-full rather than half-empty.
3. You have to be with people. This extends into the need to gain popularity, achieve social recognition and influence those people around you. The "bottom-line" is a strong people orientation.
4. You can generate enthusiasm in yourself and in other people. Your enthusiasm, often contagious, involves many people in a social activity who might not ordinarily become involved.
5. One of your great strengths is your ability to communicate and talk readily. Since all strengths may be overused at times, you may sometimes talk too much.
6. You have a natural, outgoing style that some have labeled as the "natural salesperson." You are generally likable, talkative and socially assertive. Your primary intent is convincing or persuading people.
7. You are a natural communicator. You love to talk, offer jokes and make sure that everyone is having a good time. This trait is especially evident at functions and outings.
8. You show sympathy to the feelings and needs of others. Your natural empathy style may draw others to you.

1. Keep the conversation at the discussion level, rather than confrontation.
2. Take time during explanations.
3. Leave plenty of time for socializing and relating.
4. Offer immediate rewards for accomplishments.
5. Be stimulating, fun-loving, and fast-moving.
6. Support ideas for change with facts, figures and logic.
7. Offer opinions and ideas that are stimulating.
8. Take time to be certain that you reach an agreement.
9. Plan interactions which support dreams and goals.
10. Talk about expectations.
11. Be sincere and use a tone of voice that shows sincerity.

1. You are generally good at cooling down tense situations in a relationship.
2. You tend to bring feelings of security and stability to a relationship.
3. You are skilled at finding "win-win" solutions when conflicts arise.
4. You are socially poised and people-oriented.
5. You are very respectful of the needs and wants of other people.
6. You like to gather facts and think things over before offering a strong opinion.
7. You are excellent at listening to your partner.
8. You are optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves.
9. You have an excellent sense of humor and tend to see humor in events spontaneously.
10. You tend to enjoy life and share that enjoyment with others.
11. You are usually enthusiastic about activities and planning.

1. A support system to help you get things done.
2. Recognition of skills and ability.
3. Protection or insulation from aggression or confrontation.
4. An audience to perform to and entertain.
5. Popularity.
6. Time to react to new ideas and sudden change.
7. Equal relations with others.
8. An environment free from conflict or hostility.
9. Acceptance in a variety of groups.
10. Activities involving contact with many people.
11. Social recognition of your accomplishments.

04 August, 2005 - 11:26 p.m.
Dreams

I had the worst dream last night that left me groggy with this feeling of dread. I woke up feeling like I did every morning for the last six months of my relationship with L. It was horrible.

This was my dream. I dreamed that L and I were still together and he proposed to me, but said we were going to pick out the ring together. I started getting the wedding plans together and had to do everything all by myself. I had to contact all the guests by myself, even his friends and family. I had to pick out colors and a church and a reception hall and get all of his guys together and get their tuxes and pick out cakes and other catering stuff, book the honeymoon. You name it. I had to do it all by myself. With no help from him. He was simply unavailable. I felt that frustration and anger and depression that I felt during those last six months and I stewed in it.

The dream continued. He couldn't be at the wedding on time because he was playing his X-Box, so I called everybody and rescheduled for later in the day WHILE at the same time I was getting my hair and makeup done and getting my wedding dress on. L had never gotten around to picking out the ring with me. We didn't have wedding bands and I didn't know if we could do the ceremony without rings. I went out shopping for fake diamond rings so that my family wouldn't be upset at L for not getting me a ring and just figured that we could get a real one sometime.

Ugh. I hate dreams that are sort of metaphors and sort of parallel the truth so closely. I was frustrated because I felt like I had to do everything on my own. I was frustrated because I felt like I was taking care of his business and that he didn't care if it got done or not. I was angry and upset because there are things he should have done himself, but didn't out of whatever reason. I was angry because I lied to my family about things so that they wouldn't judge him or look down on him. I rearranged my life so that he would be comfortable, and I resented that.

This past month, I've been in such a state of relief and relaxation that I really felt like I've been on drugs or something. I wake up smiling (or at least get into my car smiling). I enjoy my job. I am enjoying my relationships with my friends more because I'm not feeling dread at going home or feeling like I have to cover for his behavior. I don't have to lie to my family about things that he's done. It's a big fucking relief to me that I don't have to deal with that stress any more.

When I woke up feeling that way because of that dream, I felt like my spirit was crushed. I felt like I needed to vomit. Ugh. I've felt weighed down by that dream all damn day. It's time to let it go.

04 August, 2005 - 10:37 p.m.
linkage

I found three great stories online. Well. Not really.

I read this headline and got all excited thinking that Dr. Phil got sent to jail for five years. But no. Fuck. Now I'm stuck defending psychology to the rest of the world when that fuckhead screws people up. No aftercare or maintenance plans.

This guy brings "I don't cuddle after sex" to a brand new level.

And I think I'm going to switch all of my beauty products over to the Dove brand for their new ad campaign that recognizes the beauty of the average and plus sized woman. I'm relatively thin. I run between a size 8 and a size 12 or 14. I would put myself on the skinny side of average, but you wouldn't think I was a model or anything. I wholeheartedly believe that women get the wrong impression from the people on tv. I think I ranted about that a few entries ago or something. How we tear ourselves apart because we can't live up to the impossible standards in the media. If I watch tv and feel bad about myself and how much I weigh and how big my ass or thighs are... how do other women feel? Thanks, Dove. You've won me over. Hey, help Dove reach a donation goal for the Girl Scouts. It goes toward a self-esteem fund.

03 August, 2005 - 6:18 p.m.
no. i think it's wrong.

Don't get me wrong. I love the use of humor as a coping mechanism just as much as the next person, but I think that this show is simply wrong. I am not sure why it twists my titty so damn much, but I am disgusted by it. I sort of feel like they're mocking people with eating disorders, which leads others to believe that they're not serious problems. You can die from them. You can become brain dead after your potassium levels drop and have a big news controversey when your husband wants to remove your life support. From eating disorders.

Please, for once, can't we have some real attention paid to the subject? Can't we have some real awareness about the damage we do to ourselves when we try (and fail) to measure up to unrealistic stereotypes of people in the media? Can we, for once, talk about the fragility of body image in the face of social comparison?

How utterly frustrating this is to me.

02 August, 2005 - 9:47 p.m.
K is (edited for google-proofing)

Directions: Type �(yourname) is� with the quotes into Google and post your favorite ten results.

1. K is a world-class cineaste; by the 1970s his collection had grown to more than 15000 films.
2. K Is Seriously Fucked.
3. K is running to represent the 149th Assembly District in the State of Connecticut.
4. K is mother to Eminem's daughter, Hallie.
5. By birth K is a white, Irish boy.
6. K is the only one of Kipling's longer works of fiction that can stand comparison with his extraordinary achievements in the short story form.
7. K is a fellow of the World Economic Forum.
8. The K is interactive user friendly process manager for OS Linux.
9. K is also an incredible worship leader.
10. K is credited with being the, or at least one of the inventors of the concept of a meta-directory.

02 August, 2005 - 9:32 p.m.
DUDE!

Linguist researches the use of "dude" and I'm just enough of a dork for this to rock my world.

01 August, 2005 - 12:00 a.m.
ups and downs-- roller coaster

Oh shit, I am cracking up right now! I just turned on the tv to TNT and Reindeer Games (the worst movie ever made) was on. Oh my god, this movie is bad. When I worked at BallBuster, I rented it and watched it with D. It was horrible. I make jokes about it all the time.

The weekend was sort of fruitful, yet a bummer at the same time. I got the situation straightened out with the cell phone company. I went out with H2 and some peeps to a little dive bar that had a rockin band. One of the guys they were with thought he was hot shit and was trying to get his flirt on. I was all "no". I don't think he's heard that before. I mean, he was cute, but you could tell that he knew it. Anyway, I dropped some hints about the guy I met last weekend, so they're arranging to get us together next weekend. Should be interesting.

I handled a situation over text messaging, but I don't want to talk about it right now. I'll let you know when I have closure.

30 July, 2005 - 2:05 p.m.
I am proud to live in...

Ah, the things that go on in our town. Jimi Hendrix was once stationed here. Oh and a soldier was beaten to death on post here, too. You know, for being gay. Because it's that kind of town.

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