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05 September, 2005 - 11:52 a.m.
me ranting about the government. I know. shocking.

For once, you see someone with money going out of their way to help people in need. Thanks Sean Penn. I know a lot of people are saying that people should "stick to their day jobs" and all that and let the rescuers do their jobs, but if the rescuers had been doing their jobs (or had been assigned a job to do) earlier, we wouldn't be in this situation, now would we? Oh, and *insert sarcasm here* big surprise *end sarcasm* Haliburton is doing the clean-up. Gosh. I wonder how they were ever chosen to be the lucky company that got the job. They must know somebody on the inside. I know I rant a lot about Bush... but fuck Cheney, too. He really is the Emperor from Star Wars. Talk about the axis of evil...

04 September, 2005 - 2:40 p.m.
what do you do on a holiday weekend when gas is over $3/gallon?

Ugh. I had a headache so bad last night that I vomited. They rarely get that bad any more, but it's not unheard of. They just haven't been that common any more. Fuck. I was out and about having a good time, too. What a way to ruin a good time. I felt mostly better after I puked and took some acetaminophen, but still queasy. Which was awesome given that we were at a diner at the time. Yum. I love the smell of food when I'm sick to my stomache.

We went to this thing called Jazz On the Lawn at the local winery where they have a live band and you can sit and drink wine and listen to them. I am still waiting for them to actually get a jazz band. We were sitting there last night and this guy comes over and says, "I'm going to Iraq in three weeks. Can I sit with you?" What a great line. hah. The problem with this town, as I have repeatedly stated, is that the guys with the shaved head, those oh-so-telling haircuts, will use pretty much anything to try to get in your pants. Which is why I decided a couple months ago to make a t-shirt that reads "I don't fuck for my country." If you live in a military town and have a similar problem with the guys, feel free to make one too. I'll get on that eventually, and post pictures of the shirt. Nothing fancy, though, cause I don't have the technology. The guy wound up being pretty decent and, while he was cute, he was far too country for me. And he kept asking if he could hang out with us later and I kept telling him that we weren't doing anything later, so NO. And then he asked for my number and didn't have a pen, so I told him to look me up in the phone book. That phone number happens to be disconnected. Hah. I doubt he'd call anyway.

Oh. That guy I was sort of seeing has been responsive and actually in town lately, so I don't feel as crappy about the situation as I did, say, last week. It's still a difficult situation for me, because I don't know where I stand, really. I never have. I don't know if I am something or merely a plaything. I could handle either one. I'd just like to know. If I'm being used, I'll use right back and keep my emotions out of it. Unfortunately, until I figure it out, my emotions are sort of already involved. Fuck.

I think tonight we're having a sleep-over at H2's house. That'll be nice. Give T the house to herself if her man can come over. We're being really goofy about spending the night, like talking about bringing nail polish, facial stuff, and doing each other's hair. Hee. We're all in our mid-to-late 20's, which makes it even sillier.

02 September, 2005 - 11:24 p.m.
me and Kanye. On the same page.

Props to Kanye for saying that Bush doesn't care about black people. What the fuck is taking so long to evacuate these people? This is fucking America, for god's sake. Do we have a bus shortage or something? Is the government out of vehicles? We sure have enough to send to Iraq to save their people, but obviously not enough to save our own. The delay in this just brings home to me why we aren't out of Iraq yet. Fucking Bush won't put his ass in gear because he's happy and comfortable in his rich little world where he has people to do everything for him and no one he cares about is going to suffer.

Every day I see and read more stories about this and every day I get more and more upset. I can't stand that I can't do anything to help. I'm donating blood on Thursday. I don't have much money, really, but I have blood. And I know the blood can't really be diverted to inappropriate use. Unless someone decides to drink it. I really wish I could go down there and volunteer as a crisis counselor, but I don't have a license to practice, nor do I even have my degree yet, so it would be illegal for me to do so. But I would go because it breaks my heart in a 9/11 "I feel helpless" sort of way. I cry every time I watch the news and see another child who gets reunited with its family. There's no reason why the emergency response should have taken so long that they were separated in the first place. And I blame the government for that. *insert sarcasm here* so georgie donated some money. great.*end sarcasm*

The same questions are floating around in my mind that a lot of others around here are probably thinking... How is it that we had choppers full of supplies and the ability to evacuate people in other countries during their disasters and we can't do it for our own people? How is it that we're so busy messing around in everyone else's business that we have continually ignored our own problems. I voted, but not for Bush. I can't say that my candidate would have done better, but I wasn't given an opportunity to find out. As a voter, it is my right to voice my opinion about the state of things in this country and for fuck's sake, I will do so until my throat croaks no more. Yes, I cried about the tsunami, too. It's not that it's happened here at home. It's that I see the toll that inaction is taking on the lives of millions. I see the head of the New Orleans police talk about the frustrations and hostility that the people who are trapped there are feeling. Kanye was right. You better believe that if this had happened in Boca Raton, Martha's Vinyard, or the Hamptons, every fucking rich person would have been evacuated in the first day or two. I fear the toll that martial law will have on these people. I fear the toll that desperation will have on the mental processes of these survivors. People are dying, left and right. People are hungry. People are without appropriate medical care. People are without toilets that work. And forget about making sure the women have feminine hygeine products, which is something that just occurred to me. People's pets are gone. My brain is just having such a hard time comprehending the psychological toll this is taking on people and I feel so fucking unable to help. Isn't there a city that is willing to donate its public transportation buses for a few days? Surely a couple of days without some buses won't kill anyone. Someone who has power needs to get up off their ass and make something happen. The mayor agrees. Transcript here.

01 September, 2005 - 9:42 p.m.
nothing like a little criticism

what a funny day it's been. ok. a few days ago, a friend of mine (the dept secretary) asked me if i had any art she could use in the office to cover up the ugly bare spot where this cabinet used to be. I brought in a canvas (about 2 foot by 3) that i'd done in bronze, blue, and grey. abstract. it looks great with the blue and grey walls in there. anyway... lots of compliments on it.

until today. when i was watching the office while the secretary ran some errands and a prof of mine came in and was like "what an aweful painting!" and was talking about how horrible abstracts are and how much she didn't like the painting. I got a kick out of it and was not offended at all. i was like, "i painted that" (pretty cheerfully, thinking she would laugh). she mumbled some other stuff, did her business, and left. i giggled about it. i came back down to the office later and found a card apologizing if she'd hurt my feelings. I emailed her and told her i wasn't offended, etc., and that i really enjoy uncensored opinions. and thanked her. it was awesome.

went to the internship this afternoon. we are still two and a half therapists short and i've gone from full time to afternoons three days a week. people are being VERY NICE to me. heh. *evil laughter* *mr. burns impression "excellent"*

did some shopping with t. her boyfriend is deploying to iraq next week, so i've been sort of mentally preparing for that all summer. reading up on typical reactions to deployment, etc., you know, so i can be there for her the best i can if she needs me. and so i can be ready for it if she does what i would probably do ... jump down people's throats and be hostile to lots of people. or whatever. i just like to sort of have an idea of what to expect.

what did I buy today? two new bras, six pairs of panties, a sleep cami that i will wear as street clothes, a pair of jeans (so that i don't have the crotch pile of fabric because my pants are too big. t cringes when i say "crotch pile". heh heh heh), a new CD burner (finally!), some extensions for my keyboard/mouse cords, and a bunch of back-to-school stuff from the dollar spot at t@rget. I got a clock for the office, a tape dispenser bigger than my hand, lotion, and some notebooks. And a bag of candy because they already have halloween fun sized candy in big bags. woo.

In the dollar spot, they also had a pack of SEVEN FAKE MOUSTACHES. For a DOLLAR! I am so wanting to buy a pack or two and take all my friends out on the town while wearing them. hee. and it will probably happen. i'll post pictures and stories if so.

i've installed the fantastic new cd burner and i'm very happy with it. yay! Anyway, family guy is coming on and you know what that means....

30 August, 2005 - 10:18 a.m.
SEX

TRUE article about sex from a woman's perspective. I giggled throughout.

30 August, 2005 - 12:05 a.m.
romance and weather

I just got the most romantic card in the mail. I mean, I've never gotten a card like this before. It literally brought a tear to my eye. And it was from my ex-phone company. It was pink and had roses on the front and said "ok, we admit it, we let the romance slip away." and then you open it. "Maybe we didn't say 'we care' as much as we should have. Maybe you were right about everything." and then you open the other flap. "Please come back. We promise to be really, really good to you from now on." followed by a long ad about a deal they can give me. Hee. I may save it and read it again when I feel lonely.

I've been searching for a webpage or something that will tell me about road closures, but noooo. Not even the news channels, weather channel, state transportation websites. Fuck.

Oh and Katrina and I... we just met. I told her to get the hell out because she didn't RSVP and she's not on the list.

Don't ask us why we thought that W*lM*rt would have cute galoshes, but we somehow thought that they would. And they didn't. They had ugly black ones. We were thinking yellow or candy colored. Assholes.

29 August, 2005 - 4:54 p.m.
...like the dickens...

Wow. What an eventful day. School started again this morning. I'm not taking any classes, so I just went so I could go to work. I'm a graduate assistant again and that means I'll be getting paid again. Yay! I'll be working 8-noon at school, making copies and providing courier services as needed. Also I do some tech support (because I can) and unjam the copier. Then, I'll be grabbing a quick lunch (in my car) as I drive to my internship for the remainder of the day. Whee. And I have a telephone in my office this semester!

So I went back to the internship and explained my new schedule to my supervisor, who said that it was ok. I didn't mention that it has rained like a bastard the past few weeks (on and off) and that it sprinkled here in town, but POURED when I got into the town where I do my internship. As a matter of fact, it rained so much that they closed the main road, which is the only way that I know how to get in and out of the place. I left early and followed some vague directions and found my way back to the main road at the point where it was open again. I obviously made it home.

I didn't know if the detour was two miles or fifteen miles long, but it was relatively fast, so that was cool. It helps sometimes when people tell you street names or highway numbers instead of saying things like "the bypass", which could be an official name or just what the locals call it. But it was really labeled "bypass", so that helped. And "LaFayette" is pronounced "La Fett" here, apparently. When I lived in Georgia, it was "LaFAYett", "LafaYETT", and "LAfayett", depending on which one you were in. So, now we know another pronunciation. Hee. And a specific turn in my detour was described as "a dog leg", which is something I'd never heard before. Apparently, a dog leg is the specific point at which a two-lane one-way road becomes a two way road with one lane going each way. It usually happens at an intersection, so that cars can start going the other way. This one happens to have metal poles sticking out of the pavement so that traffic has to either merge or wreck. Dog. Leg. Wtf? I guess it's easier to say that than to say "that part where the one-way street becomes a two-way street", but whatever.

28 August, 2005 - 9:20 p.m.
check yo head

Ugh. I feel better now. I hate feeling sick and miserable and lonely all at the same time. Anyway, I watched the MTV VMAs and they sucked as per usual. And I got some perspective on the shit in my head and emailed the guy and explained about all the other shit that he missed out on because he was out of town. *takes a 15 minute break* And as I typed that, he called. Concerned. It makes me smile because it goes against the things my friends say about him. We're not dating, but I see him occasionally, and they think he lies to me about things and sometimes, I get paranoid, because what are you going to do when someone has been out of town for so long and all you hear is people talking shit. But I dig him, and he's been (as far as I know) nothing but straight with me. I think he's a cool guy and I have fun when I'm around him. It was nice to get to talk to him. I definitely miss that.

I feel like ass, so I'm going to take his advice and get some sleep.

28 August, 2005 - 3:31 p.m.
i think i've completely lost it.

You ever reach that point of emotional instability where you've been actively not calling someone, in spite of your hand reaching for the phone... and then you break down and cry because you realized you just dialed their number? And they answer and you're left there babbling. I have been trying so hard not to call this guy that I was seeing who went out of town a bunch and my friends hate him and they want me to stab him with a broken bottle. But I fucking like this guy. I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting and waiting for him to call me and whenever I run into him in public, he's drunk and with a bunch of people, so I never get to say what I really need to say and so I fight with myself about calling or not calling him every damn day.

And I can't get him out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, he's there and it's killing me. I had four fucking dreams about him last night and it's really upsetting because he was so mean to me in them that I actually had to call him so I could hear him say something nice to me. And now I'm sitting here crying because I broke down and called him and then I didn't know what to say because I was asleep and next thing I knew, my phone was ringing and he picked up.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I've been fine lately. I've been ok. I've been going out and having fun with my friends and kicking ass at my job (in spite of all that drama). Today I wake up and I've dialed this guy and now I'm a mess. I am fucking miserable. Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why won't he just go the fuck away out of my damn head so I can sit here and not twitch with the urge to call him?

He can be such an ass in front of my friends and so sweet when we're alone. And I dont fucking want a boyfriend. I just really miss this guy after not really seeing him for six weeks. What the hell is wrong with me? And why am I freaking out all of a sudden? And why does he seem to matter so much to me when I get so little out of the situation? Fuck.

27 August, 2005 - 1:29 p.m.
Hangover.

Went out last night with my posse and got far more drunk than I think I've been in years. Ugh. Hangover. My head is fine but my tummy is upset and I'm really really tired. I'm trying to remember exactly what I drank, because my receipt from the bar says "$48". I know I bought drinks for some friends. I remember buying a pack of cigarettes for a friend. I remember talking to this table of guys who wound up being the other guys in the bluegrass band that my professor plays in. I remember feeling wierded out by them inviting me over. Like, a wierd projection into the future of me winding up dating one of the guys and hanging out with my prof all the time. Hah!

OH! and a really cute guy told me I was pretty!! Just, like, out of the blue, he walked up to my table and told me I was pretty. Dude. That so never happens to me. I want to say, that's the first time. I remember he had blue eyes, and I remember his face. But I have no idea what his name was, cause the conversation lasted about two minutes. I am such a sucker for blue eyes, though. He tried to give me a beer, but this was toward the end of the night and I couldn't finish the drink I had, let alone something else. i said thank you, though. Hee! That makes me smile even now.

Why the hell don't more guys come up and talk to me? I mean, geeze. Not to be cocky, but I think my smartitude (or as you laypeople would say "intelligence") throws people off... like they feel it from a mile away. But whatever. I'm not letting that bust up my groove today.

My boy is supposed to come into town and I can't fucking wait! Details to follow.

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