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02 December, 2005 - 10:44 a.m.
look, a real life update.

hey, how ya doin? i thought to myself this morning, "it's been a while since i wrote an actual entry here instead of pasting book debates, " so here i am with an actual honest-to-god entry.

here i am. two weeks until graduation. jobless still, but i'll be ok for a while. i'm excited and tense and my body is sore from holding all of this inside my body. i've been trying to get it out in various ways, but it's like it's just staying in my muscles. yar. i am unable to get comfortable today.

Switched my schedule to take a friend to the doctor today. She's been sick with this strange skin infection. A form of staph, i think she said. They drained the infected area and packed it and are cleaning it out for her every so often. She's on druuuuugs and that leaves a couple of us to take her places. Which is fine by me. If I needed her, she'd be here for me in a heartbeat.

The cold won't leave my bones. My joints are sore. I am limping. I hate the winter sometimes. Especially when the weather can't decide if it wants to be 60 or 30 outside and you just have to guess what it will be that day. Anyway, if it would stabilize and just get progressively colder, my bones would be fine. But all this contracting and expanding with the weather, like old wood, sucks.

I have introduced the Boy to all of the friends here. My girls. He is met with approval from all sides. Good deal. Even my dept secretary likes him. I spend more time with her than I do almost anybody else. i mean, i talk to her three or four times a day and we hang out socially. and i'm always in the office. so that's something.

i am enjoying him immensely. he is unfailingly sweet and thoughtful and kind and i love that. i am thankful for his existance. it's like his presence reassures me that my recent growing doubt that there were any left worth being around was unnecessary. it's like karma. you get what you put in to life and i've tried so hard to be good.

i mean, think of what i've been through this year alone. i haven't written about a lot of the stuff from the early part of the year because i know there are people who read here who know L and I don't want them to change their opinions of him simply because our relationship didn't work out. I was always second. I was always taking care of him. I was always the last option for his time and attention. It was everything else and then me. I felt used and cheated out of everything I'd put into it. And I was steadfast in my kindness during the transition, too. If I could yell at him for all of the things that hurt me... it would feel really good, I admit that. But it would not be worth the loss of control over my emotions. That and "the guy i should totally ditch"... my online nickname for him should be a giveaway. An asshole. A jerk. uses people for what he wants when he wants it and fuck all else. and fucked around and had a girlfriend. who needs that?

i don't know. i finally feel like i've put up with enough shit that karma is giving me what i deserve. i paid my dues. i learned my lesson. i grew as a person. and now i'm being rewarded. it shouldn't take any significant amount of energy to be with someone (and it doesn't with him). you should look forward to seeing your significant other (and i do). you should enjoy their presence (and i totally do). relationships should be fun and entertaining and happy and nonstressful and full of joy and fulfilling and inspire growth and create enlightenment. and it is. and i can't begin to tell you how relieved i am. how thankful. how utterly delighted i am by him.

i can only hope that i, too, give him what he deserves.

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