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23 January, 2006 - 11:10 p.m.
poetry and the menstrual cycle

I did a lot of reading tonight. I read the stuff I'd written 1998-2002. Most of it's poetry. Some of it is journal entries about different things that really made an impact on my lide. I posted those elsewhere online. One is about the experience of anorexia, another is about going from an abusive, manipulative relationship to one where the guy was great. There's a powem written after the abusive asshole apologized to me online (3 years later). I found things that really made me feel what I felt when I wrote them. It was a good experience, that trip down memory lane.

I foud a couple of pieces that I thought might interest the Boy and sent them to him. I told him that I noticed a theme in my writing-- heartbreak, abandonment, and insecurity. There are also many written with great ardor and passion and reading them made me blush. I did **not** post them, nor did I send them to my boyfriend. First of all, it would be false to send him something that personal about someone else... when the intense feelings I had back then do not apply to this relationship. I care deeply for him and I have a lot of affection for him, but it's not the wild desparate desire to fill a void in my life that I had back then. I'm not searching for missing pieces of myself in him. I think I've done a pretty good job of being a whole person in the past while or so, or at least in recognizing that I am one.

I realized that this is really the first relationship I've had where I am not describing the person as my savior or my hero or as the person who has come to solve all my problems. I think I've reached a place in my development where my problems are all my own and I know that no amount of burying myself in a relationship will solve them. Neither will distracting myself with alcohol or sex. So I guess you could say I've learned something over the years.

I learned that sometimes the best way to keep them close is to be willing to let them go. He only gets multiple calls i we have plans and A.) he's late (he has a creative sense of time) pr B.) I haven't heard from him to coordinate plans for later. And yes, lots of times, he's distracted by the fun, entertaining things in his apartment... but I get his full attention when he's with me. I can forgive a poor sense of time. Any day, sweetheart. I cannot forgive ignoring me or putting other things before me when we're together. I feel like he's stable. I'm not freaked out when my phone doesn't ring. I don't feel the paralysis of insecurity I used to feel back in the day. There are so many things in how we relate to one another that show me A.) how i've grown and B.) how relationships are 50-50 and C.) he's a good one.

I was crazy hormonal the other day and he'd overslept our plans and some switch blew in my head and I cried and he apologized and I told him that it wasn't his fault... it was the hormones. and he asked me if I needed anything. No one ever did that for me. Not even my own mother. I think everyone else has avoided the topic or treated me like a pariah or just told me to get the fuck over it. But he's so gentle and sensitive... I really get blown away by it sometimes. And yes, I do tell him. I even made him a present today-- a card, actually. I wrote him his own poem, which means I can't post this until adter I see him, as I'm not entirely sure if he knows where this is. I haven't made a secret about it, but I haven't emailed him the URL either. My homepage is the d-land members screen, and you know how it greets you and says, "logged in as___" over at the top of the left frame. He's a smart boy. He'll figure it out sooner or later. Until then, I can gush about him here.

Why is it that I'm nearly 26 and this is the first time someone's been concerned about my menstrual cycle... and not because it was late? But simply because I didn't feel well. I don't think that it should be noteworthy and it is unfortunate for the rest of the men that it is.

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