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21 May, 2006 - 10:22 p.m.
a warning about the beginning of things.

i think that one of the hardest things for me to do is to open up to people with whom i have a relationship (romantic, friendship, or otherwise). it always seems like i can talk better in text than i can verbally. in text, i never have the "i'm searching for a word" problem, because they just come to me faster, like i'm more composed, more of myself when poised in front of a keyboard. it's hard for me.

i guess that the difficulty lies in talking about the things that i am insecure about, the things that you can use against me later if you choose, no matter how much later you choose to do that. the problem is that, for communication, you need trust and it's so hard to trust people when i've been fucked over so many times. and it's equally hard to communicate with people i do trust, because i'm afraid that information will change the way they look at me or feel about me. i guess it's easier for me to say this here because i already said it out loud once tonight.

the things i'm working on lately have been about the way i feel about myself.. the way i look, what i base that on, who i am, how i feel about who i am, how i feel about who i was... i've done a lot of changing in the past ten years. traditionally, i dealt with my problems by distracting myself with sex, with a new relationship, with starving myself, with cutting myself. and i can't do those any more.

and it's difficult to find things that work in a positive or healthy way, when i've spent my life doing things that are harmful. it is a good thing i never decided to get into the drug scene or that i didn't decide to use my sexuality in more harmful ways, though the ways i used it were already pretty damaging. it's hard for me to say out loud, or here in print, that my self esteem for many years was based on sex. that my worth was based on sex. that i still sometimes struggle with the idea that i can be with someone who cares and that i don't have to be continuously naked for that to mean that they care. i still struggle with the whole idea of giving to others to compensate for what i may feel i lack.

i guess what i try to do in my blogs is to try to reach those difficult areas and open myself up in a way that feels safe (i love the internet), where i have control over deleting it from publication, restricting it as determined by the content, where i can stop myself from publishing it, delete it if i'm not happy with how i've stated things.

and i am determined to do more talking about difficult things and i am determined to do more opening myself up here and to talk about things that will make me uncomfortable, and which may make you uncomfortable. at this point, i offer you the choice of reading or not, knowing that my content will be less censored and will reflect a lot of the deep struggles within me that may resonate with a few of you and may alienate the rest of you. i'm willing to take that risk. because it shouldn't be so fucking hard for me to open myself up to the people who are close to me, and it especially shouldn't be that hard to have a conversation with the person i hold closest to my heart.

i know that i will continue to struggle with my issues with trust and self-esteem, and i know that i am not entirely over the consequences of my decisions from the past. i'm not proud of all the places my heart has been. i'm not proud of many of my decisions from the past. i am engaging in a reality check in which i note that, other than my continual battle with myself, there are no lasting consequences, aside from the felony X got when i turned him in for what he did to me (and a 14 year old girl).

i know that i will continue to question myself, my actions, my past, my thoughts, my worries, and probably everything else in the universe. i have faith in people's ability to change, as i've seen myself come a long way, even since the beginning of graduate school. i'm not psychotically freaking out, calling my boyfriend ever 5 minutes (redial, hang up, redial, hang up). i'm not carving on myself with a knife. i'm not starving myself. i'm not engaging in risky sexual behaviors. i'm not thinking of suicide. and so today is an improvement over where i was. but it's your choice. knowing what i might talk about in the future... as i've been pretty vague thus far about that part of my past. you have fair warning that you will see parts of me that are disturbing to me, and probably to you as well. it's difficult, but i feel like i have to do it. i have to start getting these things out before they cause me to do anything more than freeze up, cry, and shake for a few hours.

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