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21 May, 2006 - 10:23 p.m.
and so it begins..

"Not all children keep their abuse a secret. Many do tell someone that they're being abused. If you are an adult today and you told when you were a child, chances are that you did not receive a sympathetic, helpful response. Instead of being believed and protected, you were probably ridiculed, ignored, blamed, or further abused. Even if you were believed, the abuse may have been minimized or justified. You receieved the message that you were not worthy of protection." (from The courage to heal)

In coming up with a topic for my group a couple weeks ago, I came across this passage. And I guess that this is where it all begins. Well, not all of it, as there were more subtle messages I got as a child from the importance of drugs over me and the whole moving to X one day and leaving in the middle of school and having no idea what was going on, and then being separated from my father and not understanding. But really and truly, this is where it begins.

it starts with the years of physical and sexual abuse, telling my mother about the ways in which i was being touched, penetrated, and frightened, and her not believing me. This is the start of my mother's accusations that everything i do is to get some sort of attention. it starts here, with her husband doing inappropriate things to me and my mom standing up for him, telling me that i'm a liar and i only want attention and that i need to shut up about it because it's not true.

in reading these passages from these books for my group, it's helping me realize that all these years i've been so angry, and that i've been angry at the wrong people. i was angry at my brother for not being able to defend me, but it's likely he was touched too and he was a child and i don't think i ever told him. and i was angry at my father, who was living in hawaii at the time, doing construction, and who i never told. but my whole life until recently, my mom has been very close to me... a lack of boundaries in which she thought her role was to be a friend, because she sure as hell doesn't know how to be a mother.

in my closeness, i could not see the truth, that i was a child and was her responsibility and i told her that i was being hurt and she made the choice to blame me and not believe me. she made that choice to put thoughts in my head and tell me that i was trying to get attention. so for many years, i did not stand up for myself, even when getting picked on at school, because i did not want to be "getting attention", because that was a bad thing. i got my first period in the 6th grade, but i didn't tell my mom until almost the 8th, because i didn't want to "get attention", and then she told everybody. i've always had a hard time opening up and telling her what i need (feminine products, someone to listen, money) because my needs are always minimized and deemed not important. she always transfers motivation to me without seeing what my motivation is.

case in point-- my brother's wedding. when i opened my mouth to say that maybe it was a little soon to be getting married, as they'd only dated 2 months. and my mother starts screaming at me, saying that i must want them to get divorced, etc. i really am terrified that i will turn out like her, and it was that fear that brought me to counseling the last time i went. and the counselor said that i should not fear being like my mother, as i am to old to make the choices that mom made. i'm older than she was by the time she had her third child, third marriage, and third divorce.

sometimes i don't know what to think of it all. the fact is that she was an accessory to the abuse and i've never held her accountable for that. i've always been "mommy mommy mommy" and blindly taking her side for things, but i can't do that any more. that's the thing about reality. it sort of interferes with your delusions. and i finally feel that i'm angry at the right person, the one who could have stopped it, but her marriage was more important.

and i learned that i was definitely not important, not worth keeping safe, and that all i was good for was a secret sexual outlet, a meat hole. and later on (after puberty), i learned that the warmth of sexual attention felt good, that i would feel good about myself when hot eyes were on me and then beat myself up emotionally when the gazes had cooled. i still struggle with this.

at any rate, the good news is that i'm faithful to my relationship in every way, that i have no urges to take others home with me, that i've never been a cheater. so that is reassuring to me in some ways. i mean, he's important to me and i would never want to do anything to hurt him. he's worth way more than that. it's really hard for me not to be in an exploitative relationship. he doesn't use me or abuse me or demean me. he doesn't treat me as a sex object. and so it's difficult sometimes, to take that emotional energy and attention that he gives me and convert it to fit my needs, to reframe my patterns to work with something healthy.

it's hard and i'm struggling to cope with the thought that he doesn't exploit me, yet he still wants me around. i've only had one other relationship like that, and in the end, i was still confused and terrified to talk to him about it, so my demons won and i feel like they pushed him away. i never minded (mentally) when guys were rough with me... it's the tenderness, the gentleness, the caring... it tears me apart. i just don't know what to do with it.

i guess i'm terrified that i'll be too fucked up for him, that he won't be able to handle it. but i'm willing to try.

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