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30 May, 2006 - 9:59 p.m.
playing catch-up part 5

i've been home from the funeral for a while. sitting here by myself, in pretty much darkness. the tv is on, but i couldn't tell you what i've watched, except that it's still on the history channel. i did go grocery shopping, finally, which i really needed to do 5 days ago.

god, you guys. i'm just heartsick. the boy was supposed to come over after the funeral, or so we'd sort of planned a few days ago, but i haven't really heard from him. i don't like to be alone at times like this... i get stuck in such strange thought patterns and can be quite damaging to myself. so of course, you know i'm obsessing about it.

but i am not heartsick for myself. [my friend] looked awful. people were helping her to stand and to walk. she was like a zombie. i mean, she had tears and cried, but she was so broken. and i can't say that i wouldn't be, too. i am thankful for the people who are there for her, the ones who are close enough to be there right now to keep her from harming herself.

i am glad for the friends who were there with me together... it's such a big pain that it's not something that can be dealt with by one person. it's too big. a professor of ours from the counseling program sat by us at the service... she's one of the program coordinators, so you can guess how many years she has been in the counseling field. she said, "how many counselors can you get at one funeral? all of us here... and none of us know what to say."

my heart just breaks. i am dwelling and i don't know how to get out of it. i am tired of crying. i'm dehydrated. and i need a hug.

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