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30 May, 2006 - 9:53 p.m.
playing catch-up part 4

I am really freaked out by this funeral today and had an awful night sleeping. i know i need to eat, but i don't feel hungry. but i should, because today will be difficult for all of us, and i don't want low blood sugar to affect my ability to control my emotions. i never did like crying in public.

i had a dream about a lot of unrelated things, it was like a collage (montage?) of all of the things that are going on in my life. so i guess it was related, but the ways in which they were related were... interesting.

my mom and dad were getting divorced, so i was moving into a home in which the bedroom was composed of a room from the house i lived in through most of high school in [city of my high school] and the room which is the entertainment room at my mom's house now (which she will lose when they get divorced... i wonder if i can have that airhockey table...), and it is a room which has been in several of my dreams over the past year. i was also moving because i kicked L out. you know how dreams are. it was a lot of things at once. like a repeating symbol, but instead of the symbol repeating, it occurred once and everything else- all the actions relating to symbolism occurred at the same time. a static symbol, i guess you would say.

so i was moving into that room for various reasons and i had to go back to the old house where i'd come from, which was also the house my gram has lived in for at least 40 years, and just moved out of and sold... and i was cleaning up my half of it, which should have been their kitchen, but which was the kitchen from the house in [city of my high school]. and it was trashed and i had to clean it up because the new buyers were coming to look at it, move in, etc. and i was pissed off at L and my brother for once again leaving everything a mess and leaving me to be the one to pick up the pieces.

so i start to clean. and at the same time, i'm organizing stuff to be packed to move, and gram and godmother come home and there's a drawer which i use to store sex toys, condoms, and the like and i'm trying to get them to not see that i have these things, and [my friend whose family just died] and [friend from childhood who i've recently reconnected with] (two completely separate individuals who have absolutely no overlap in my life) were swimming in the pool and hot tub and were asking about the dog bowls and stuff in the backyard which were my dog's. and if you've been paying attention, my dog was put down about a month ago. I'm looking at the toys and I'm missing my dog and they become kids' toys.

At the same time as all that business, I'm doing all of the stuff I've already typed, but I'm also at [my undergrad] getting over a rape and a miscarriage, meeting C, the boy's telling me he loves me, and I'm in that insane period where I was walking all over campus in the middle of the night, which was also right after I had to quit dance.

I woke up very emotionally confused. I just feel like a wreck. It's like every feeling I've ever had resurfaced in my dream. i'm not balanced today and i feel like i will definitely meditate before i head out. today is not about me and i don't want to do anything inappropriate. i am terrified of funerals. i just don't know what to do. i've been to three. my gram's, christy's mom's, and my grandfather's (but i hadn't seen him in 12 years and he didn't give a fuck about me anyway). i just felt awkward like i was doing the wrong thing and like people were looking at me, and i know that's centristic of me, but i'm really scared. i am so upset.

i figure if i purge all that now, if i get it out now... i'll be able to stay calm, in the moment, and deal with just my feelings at each moment instead of having everything cave in on me. i am afraid of becoming overwhelmed. and i guess i'm already overwhelmed.

i'm just trying to find my center.

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